It isn’t an enviable position to find yourself swiping on dating apps. But I’m right there with you and for me, being on the apps means I’ve gone on a lot of dates, met a lot of people, and learned a lot of lessons. That’s why I’ll be sharing with you some of my top tips for how to survive first dates out in the casual dating scene.
Before you get on the apps, take time to reflect on what you’re seeking. If you want a relationship, swipe left on people who have vastly different lifestyles or values than you. They should be out of the running immediately. This eliminates people from the dating pool that are not on the same page as you. If you want something more casual, you can be a bit less scrutinizing, but truly take time to ask why you want something casual—because you’re afraid of getting hurt? Not ready for a relationship? Or just want to hook up?
Before you even get to the date, you should have an idea of what the other person is looking for. If they don’t have anything about what they’re looking for on their profile, you should feel empowered to ask on the first date. Don’t waste too much time on someone if they tell you up front that they aren’t looking for a relationship.
- Don’t talk too long on the apps
So many people make this mistake. You don’t want a penpal. If you’re interested in the person, make an effort to take things into real life as soon as possible. My general rule of thumb is to aim to schedule a date within the week that you match with that person. You don’t want to chat so much before the date that you have nothing to say once you get there. But you want to chat enough that you have something to go off of when you meet up.
- Plan dates on Thursdays
Don’t use up your precious weekend time on a first date with a stranger. The best time to schedule a first date is undoubtedly a Thursday evening. This can be a fun end-of-week treat and a warm-up for the weekend. If things go badly, you still have your weekend free with friends and family. But if things go well, you can discuss seeing each other again in the next couple days.
- Go to the same place for first dates
When you’re meeting up with a stranger from the apps, take them all to the same place. This should be a place you’re comfortable with, one you’ve visited many times. There are two main reasons for this. The first is that going to a familiar place eliminates some nervousness or uncertainty you may have about going on first dates. Having a go-to spot is a good first step to being at ease on the date. You already know where the exits and bathrooms are, and that’s half of the battle.
The second reason for taking all your dates to the same place is that it removes the power from the location. Some dates may turn into relationships, but if things go bad, you won’t have to walk by that bar or restaurant and think about how magical the first date was, because you’ve had so many dates at the same place. It gives you hope that you’ll be able to find something that eventually works out, or that there are many more people to meet if things go south.
New exotic locations and experiences are reserved for second and third dates. Start to branch out and experience new things together once you’ve already got a sense that you see something romantic developing with that person. It is essential to share new memories with the person you’re dating, but you want to make sure there is some compatibility before having to associate a special activity with a person you only saw a handful of times.
- Have an exit strategy
With dates from Hinge, Bumble, or (God forbid) Tinder, you will need to orchestrate an exit strategy in case things go awry. This is especially the case when you’ve never met the person in real life. They may not look like their pictures, they may have a wonky voice, or you may discover that they’re an outright weirdo. Considering these risks, plan your exit.
My go-to is to have a secondary plan to attend, so the date has an end point. You can either tell this to your date up front or keep it in your back pocket for if you decide you want to leave immediately. What I like to do is plan a drinks date in the evening at about 7 pm and then have a plan to meet up with my friends at 9 pm. This gives the person 2 solid hours of my time. And if things are going really well, my date can join my friends and I, if he wants to keep the good vibes rolling. This can be good so your friends can meet the person and offer their opinion. If the date gets along with your friends, that’s a green flag!
- Don’t get discouraged
Online dating is hard. Every first date comes with a lot of emotion. Hope, dread, excitement, nervousness. It’s all okay. Not every date will work out and you don’t need them to. You only need one to work out. And though it might not feel great to be on the apps, they at least show you that there are plenty more fish in the sea.
