There’s been a lot of discourse around the loneliness epidemic in America with solutions ranging from AI chatbots to pickleball. In my opinion, one of the best solutions is simply leaving the house and going somewhere where people enjoy the same fun things you do—in other words, going to a third place. A third place is somewhere other than school/work and home, a place purely for leisure and recreation. This is a place where you know people but you can also meet new people, where you can be known. A third place could be a coffee shop, a gym, a church, a hair salon, shopping mall, library, or park. Of course, this is easier said than done. It can take a lot of bravery to leave the house and try a new place all on your own, especially if you’re living in a new city. It can be even harder to strike up a conversation with a stranger or someone you’ve just briefly seen in passing. But this becomes more natural when you go to the same place repeatedly, especially as a part of a regular routine.
It took me about a year after moving to Lawrence to find a place where I felt like people knew me, where the overwhelming feeling of being lonely while surrounded by people finally subsided. My third place is Sunflower Cafe in Lawrence. I go there for coffee and studying as well as for yoga or a cocktail. The one-stop-shop nature of Sunflower lends itself well to creating a welcoming third place. Not only did it take time to feel like I had somewhere I could call my third place, it also took work.
I’ve gathered my essential tips for integrating yourself into a third place…
Step 1: Become a regular
It can be hard to feel like a part of a community when you don’t go to the same place very often. Pick a place you can see yourself hanging out at often and commit to it. Integrate the place into your weekly routine. Maybe you have a break between classes during the day so you go to the library or a coffee shop. Keep going each week and become a recognizable regular.
Step 2: Ask people their name
This is essential. Introduce yourself and ask people their name when you strike up a conversation and remember it. Whether it’s one of your favorite baristas or the person you always see in your yoga class, break the ice! It can be intimidating but the more you do it, the easier it gets. It may feel awkward at times but know that it’s just part of getting to know someone. Going forward, greet that person by name every time you see them. This may seem small but names are powerful and when someone uses our name it makes us feel known. It’s one of the first steps toward making friends.
Step 3: Assume people want to connect just as much as you do
It’s easy to think that people just want to go about their day silently without engaging with other people. But we all know how much of a difference a small positive interaction with someone can make. The reason most people don’t talk to those around them is because of this assumption. How can it be true that everyone wants to go about their day silently without talking to anyone but loneliness is so rampant? If you want to connect with others, know that they probably want to connect too.
Step 4: Remember that you’re worth knowing
Moving to a new place, one of the hardest things for me to reconcile was the fact I came from a place where people used to know me. I had already put in the work to develop my community in places I’d lived previously and moving cities meant I had to do it all over again. You start out feeling totally anonymous, which at times can be freeing. But when anonymity becomes your default mode and you begin to feel like just another face in a crowd, you can begin to feel totally disengaged from life happening around you. Remember that you have a lot to bring to the table in conversations and friendships. You are perfectly normal and interesting and you are someone people should be happy to know!
Find a place where you feel like you can connect with others, where people remember when you haven’t been around in awhile. Open yourself to the vulnerability of a conversation with a kind-looking stranger that may embrace you into a community of like-minded individuals. These places are essential for our social and emotional well-being and help alleviate the stress of our daily lives.
