*Cue Mercy by Brett Young*
Have you ever begged someone to want you? It’s a complete shit experience.
It feels like the cliché scene where you’re standing curbside in the darkness waiting for your ride that you’ve just realized is never coming. Suddenly when you think the headlights in the near distance are the ones you have waited on for so long, they end up being the disappointing lights of a city bus that speeds past you so quickly that the wheels pick up all the muddy puddles leftover from the storm that just hit and spray them all over your perfectly ironed sunshine yellow sundress.
Over and over, broken promises, plans never executed and “I’m sorrys” never meant, get old. Somehow, for some reason, you hold on. Next time. Tomorrow. He’ll make it up to me. He has reasons. He’s worth waiting for. He wants me, he just doesn’t know how to express it. When is it enough?
Everyone wants answers. Ones that make everything make sense. Words that soothe the soul and justify the wait. You want reassurance that he’s a good guy, one that would never hurt you, or at least intentionally.
Why do you think it’s acceptable if he hurts you unintentionally? You say things like “he doesn’t know better,” “he’s learning,” “he’s just trying to figure out what he wants.”
You’re right in front of him. A tangible, beautiful, human being. Available. No, you’re more than available. Begging. Pleading, until you feel like you’ve turned into a crazy person. You could do everything or nothing and it wouldn’t make a difference. You accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, if you throw yourself at him, he might just catch you.
When you’ve lost hope, almost all your hope… you catch his attention for a split second and urgently word vomit every hopeless, relentless, messy thought and feeling pent up inside you until there’s nothing left. No feeling, no emotion. Nothing.
Empty. He’s left you empty.
You threw yourself.
He didn’t catch.
You’re lying on the cold, hard ground.
You think he’s heartless. Later, you discover he isn’t… he just didn’t have a heart for you.
The only thing keeping you warm is you.
You’re going to live.
You’re going to regain your strength.
What you did was not embarrassing. It wasn’t uncommon. Some would say it was desperate, but aren’t we all desperate to feel loved?
It was brave.
Not all brave acts end successfully.
Unfortunately, this time, you didn’t catch yourself early enough.
You discovered your answers only once they floated to the ground.
How wonderful is it that you don’t have to walk around with unknowns in your head?
Instead, you made a beautiful little fool out of yourself… and maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere won’t let you feel like a fool. They might just take that beautiful little soul of yours and never, ever let go of it.