I hope some of you chuckled at the Salt N’ Pepa reference in the title. Regardless, this week I’d like to open an exploration of my relationship (lol) with sex, or perhaps lack thereof?
I’ll get the embarrassing stuff out of the way: I lost my virginity at 22. It was a lovely time, with a lovely person and I’ve had other lovely times with other lovely people. However, I’ve been noticing and struggling with a sudden shift in how I view sex and in turn myself as a sexual being. I’m going to try my best to explain what I call my sexuality, and I may get a lot of it wrong, but much of the terminology is new to me, due to my vigilant avoidance of this topic.
I lived most of my life as what we call a cisgender, heterosexual man. In 2007, I noticed a strange shift in the way I viewed men, both celebrities and my peers. There were experimental kisses with guy friends which were 200% jokes for them, but not quite for me. By 2008, I was 100% sure I was bisexual and this terrified me. I live in a predominantly religious area and while many people my age are far more open minded, there are still many stigmas. Despite my rejection of many outdated mores, I couldn’t help but panic.
Why was I suddenly attracted to both sexes? That’s not normal. What would people think? More importantly, what would my parents think? It wouldn’t be until 2014 when I would officially come out to my father and guess what: he was totally fine with it. Pretty much anyone I told was totally accepting of it. I had no reason to worry, plenty of people were in my corner, but that pressure was so constant for so long, it felt dangerous to step outside of heterosexuality. It was one of the first times I held a clearer understanding of my sexuality. Yet, I still couldn’t make sense of my hesitancy toward intercourse itself. It wasn’t aversion, but I couldn’t bring myself to physically innact or accept sex. Thank god a dear friend provided me with a word to explain this feeling.
For those not familiar with demisexuality, it is when someone experiences no sexual attraction unless a strong emotional connection is formed with another. My mind was blown. After years of feeling alienated and distant from the norm, I had a word explaining my desires and urges. It became a colloquialism I could utilize in explaining my sexuality.
I was never one to pursue someone based solely on looks. My initial instinct whenever I found myself attracted to someone, was to think “wow, he/she is beautiful/handsome. I want to truly know them.” Sounds weird, right? It’s true. Ever since I was a child, I’ve yearned for connections. Maybe it’s the only child in me struggling with loneliness, but I sought out emotional companionship over sexual partnership.
This was often a point of contention in my relationships, and with understandable reason. A lack of labido left many of my partner’s feeling unwanted, or as though I found them unattractive, which was far from the case. I have always been attracted to the women in my life, I just didn’t want my focus to lie solely on their body as an object of sexual desire. The goal was connection and the ways we fit together emotionally, intellectually, etc. I would never fault any of my past partners for their sexual needs. I understand the important role sex plays in many people’s lives and I honestly think it’s great. There are many times I wish I was a bit more sexual.
It’s been a strange relationship so far, sex and I. Where before I was a “normal”, cisgender straight male, I would now consider myself a radical, demisexual, bisexual, gender-confused enigma and I’m quite alright with that. There is still so much to discuss and piece together and I never know when I’ll crack the code of my sexuality. It’s volatile and confusing. While I’ve never felt comfortable talking about sex with my friends and family, I’m slowly learning to be more open toward discussing myself as a sexual being and where that may lead me. So let’s talk about sex, baby. *cue the music*