Tonight’s the night. It’s Debra’s big birthday bash. You’ve been looking forward to this all week and now it’s finally here, and you’re ready to get absolutely zoinked. You leave your dignity at the door and make your way to Debra’s flat with two litres of Beefeater gin. When you arrive, you explode into the room with a loud cheer, indicating that the party has well and truly arrived, but then… you notice that everyone is looking at you funny. Like you just interrupted their conversation. You scan the room and notice that no one is dancing. Everyone’s just stood around in little groups of three and four holding champagne glasses. Gill is drinking a pint of blackcurrant squash for God’s sake.
It’s possible that you have just walked into a ‘do’. If this is the case, you need to drastically revaluate the kind of energy you are bringing to this social situation before it’s too late. But maybe the mental party’s only just getting started, and everyone’s just easing themselves in? You need more evidence, so here are five major signs to look for before you can be absolutely sure if this is a ‘do’ or not.
(Image: istockphoto.com)
1. The fancy dress theme is not at all strictly enforced
Debra said this was a superhero party, but the most superhero-y thing you’ve seen so far is Dan in his Superman t-shirt. A lot of the men here are wearing flowery button-ups as the main event of their outfit. One person’s wearing a V-neck sweater and has drawn the Harry Potter scar on their forehead – not really a superhero is he? What about all these smartly dressed women sporting cat ears? I guess they’re all cat-woman? I dunno. Either way, you’re starting to feel pretty ridiculous in your complete Batman costume, fully equipped with smoke-bombs, bat-grenades and a burner phone that has Morgan Freeman on speed-dial. Maybe this wasn’t the right event to premier this £400 costume.
(Image: haloweencostumes.co.uk)
2. All the lights are on
Almost aggressively so, all the lights are on. They’re all reflecting off the pristine, newly painted white walls of Debra’s living room and blinding you. It’s like being in an interrogation room. There’s no way people aren’t gonna notice your Batman costume. In fact, there’s no way you’re gonna be able to do anything embarrassing without everyone seeing it and bringing it up at work on Monday. Maybe you should be a bit more sophisticated with your gin and mix it with some tonic water or something rather than going with the original plan of necking it straight. (Image: baddogneedsrottenhome.com)
3. Hand-crafted snacks
As you venture into the kitchen, you see no bowls of hastily-poured-out Tesco value cheeseballs, no Doritos, no crisp-based snack of any kind. Instead, there are trays of carefully crafted, multi-ingredient snacks, prepared by Debra herself earlier this afternoon. You’re not sure what it is, but there’s a whole bunch of stuff layered on top of small, circular crackers. Smoked salmon is probably involved. Watercress is definitely involved. There’s watercress everywhere. You’ve never seen so much of it. It’s like you’re inside an egg mayonnaise sandwich. Oh God, make it stop. (Image: bbcgoodfood.com)
4. Someone has just complimented Debra on her new blinds
This has somehow become the major talking point at the party. Now everyone wants to know where Debra got these great new blinds from. They’re from North Spain, says Debra, proudly. They’ve got shutters that open and close flawlessly and everyone basks in their glory. But you don’t get what all the fuss is about. All you see is a mechanism which is preventing the flat’s blindingly oppressive lighting from going anywhere. (Image: blinds-2go.co.uk)
5. A child in pyjamas has just walked downstairs
This is a red flag. Any hopes of this shindig kicking off into an absolute mad one are off the cards the moment Debra’s six-year-old son comes downstairs rubbing his sleepy eyes. If this really was a party then the kids would be gone, shipped off to their grandparents for the night so Mummy can get shamelessly wasted. Instead, this being the ‘do’ that it is, Debra is putting down her white wine spritzer and carrying little Benjamin back to bed. He’s even wearing Batman pyjamas. This is a f***ing disaster. (Image: ebay.co.uk)
You’ve definitely drastically overestimated what kind of party this was going to be. You take your gin and leave, deciding to just go get drunk by yourself at home while watching Notting Hill for the hundredth time.