Maybe youâve heard of hell, but have you met procrastination? Otherwise known as the âsupermarketâs own brandâ of suffering. Itâs not quite flames and pitchforks, but the sting of failing your degree is nothing to smile at. Whether youâre a straight-A student or hanging on by the skin of your failing biro, all of us have moments when we flee Casa del Motivation in favour of a more exotic retreat.Â
This handy guide will let you know exactly which circle of procrastination you truly belong in before booking your next vacay away.
Welcome to the Procrasti-Nation, we hope you enjoy your stay.
Level 0: Bay of Productivity
Youâre at your optimal capacity and itâs clear sailing from hereon. Youâll wave your deadlines goodbye at the Harbour of Achieved Dreams and walk off into the sunset. Reap the benefits of our Earlybird package, which includes jogging before 8 am and colour co-ordinated ring binders.
Level 1: Taking a Break Beach
Although youâve fallen slightly compared to the workaholics on Level 0, itâs not too late to make your ascent. Practising healthy habits and self-care is key to your mental stability during these trying times and this level is perfect for some mindful meditation. Just keep your eye on the horizon; you wouldnât want to stay here too long…
Level 2: Social Media Spiral
Helter Skelter who? This attraction is far from the slide of childhood dreams and is a slippery slope for that 2.1 you so desperately want to achieve. It starts off as checking facebook and simply answering a message soon becomes a barrage of Technicolor cat videos. Before you know it youâre mindlessly scrolling away the hours, itâs such a shame the examiners donât speak memes.
Level 3: Cliff-Hanger Country
Talk about Netflix and No-Chill! Thereâs nothing like stressfully binging a new TV series with a pile of textbooks next to you. You promise yourself itâs just something to keep you occupied over lunch, but four episodes down the line youâre chewing your nails and compulsively clicking âNext Episodeâ. After all, what could be more important in finding out whether your favourite fictional character survives? Spoiler: itâs your essay due tomorrow.
Level 4: Camp Organisation
Sorting through your lecture notes might have started out as a noble endeavour, but when you end up indexing your sock drawer you know youâve gone too far. Being productive with your procrastination can be useful, itâs true, but if youâre debating whether or not to buy a label maker weeks before the term ends youâve come to the right place. (The answer is yes of course – itâs half price!)
Level 5: Michelin Star Munching
A must-see for foodies everywhere, our gourmet dining experience lets you indulge in all your favourites. Whether itâs making your way through a family pack of biscuits in one sitting or ordering Chinese for the third time in one week to âTreat yoâ Selfâ, you can be sure youâre headed down a crumb-encrusted path of unproductivity. Suddenly becoming a master baker might make you the favourite of all your flatmates, but even banana bread wonât be able to save you now.
Level 6: Club Socialite
For some people the best way to do nothing is to do it with others. At Club Socialite, we believe that if youâre procrastinating, then your friends should be too. Thatâs why we have a range of activities on offer, from bar crawls conveniently timed the night before your exam to free coaching sessions on how to do nothing in your flatmateâs room all day. Our first class on not knocking and ignoring pleas of âIâm revisingâ will be offered at a discounted rate.
Level 7: Planet Spaced-Out
For an out-of-this-world out-of-your-mind experience, blast off from your troubles and live out your dream life in the theatre of your mind. With stunning views of the void and eternal abyss, youâll be wondering how your bedroom ceiling ever made the cut. Make way for existential dread and thoughts of nothingness as the evening progresses and â Bonus! â you wonât have to suffer the sunrise trapped in this eternal night.
Level 8: 24-Hour-Bonanza
Maybe youâve done one, two, or all of the above and now the Fearâ˘Â has set in. Buckle up for an all-night JSTOR rave-a-thon with unlimited Red Bull on tap. You probably wonât proofread, but thereâs still time to get this done.
Level 9: The Point of No Return
Much like Landâs End youâre faced with a crumbling cliff edge and not much else. The sun is rising behind the blinds, Netflix auto-queue drones on in the background and you surreptitiously wipe your Dorito fingers down the front of your dressing gown. Youâve overstayed your welcome, please donât come back next year.