Every year. Every single year in the UK, we get to the back-end of November and the world’s knees just give way and limps to the end of the calendar. The earlier and earlier starts to the Christmas madness mean that November gets more and more stripped of its identity. Post-bonfire night, we are condemned to a month without culture or any real excitement of any kind. There’s no more music left to come out that isn’t a cascade of ‘greatest hits’ compilations or a new U2 album that literally nobody asked for, and we’re gonna have to wait until mid-December for the big family blockbuster to hit the cinemas. November deserves better than this slow death. It has worked hard to give us these bountiful piles of leaves and, by God, we are going to kick the living daylights out of them. Therefore, to give November a much deserved win, allow me to drag every other month of the year.
(Image: theexplorermag.com)
January
Wouldn’t it be cool if you had all the freezing cold and rain of December, but without Christmas at the end of it? Definite no. January is a month that asks a lot from us and gives nothing in return. It demands we make a ‘New Year’s Resolution’, some radical change in our lifestyle, but then condemns us to sitting on the sofa for the first two weeks of the year finishing off the Celebrations chocolates left over from Christmas. There’s only Bounty left. You don’t even like Bounty but you’re still gonna eat it like the washed up slob you are. What was that New Year’s Resolution again?
February
Like January, except now there’s an entire holiday to remind you how desperately lonely you are. Alternatively, if you are lucky enough to have found love, February is like a financial kicking-you-when-you’re-down. Your bank account was maybe just starting to look a bit more stable after the post-Christmas paydays but now you gotta go buy some weird necklaces that light up when you and your significant other are both wearing them. Or something else. I don’t know what couples buy for each other.
March
Honestly, what are you even doing? You call yourself Spring but you’re still acting like Winter. Sort it out, March.
(Image: express.co.uk)
April
April Fool’s Day is actively the least funny day of the year. Get ready to see a headline in The Observer about a frog that can perfectly impersonate Michael Jackson for the billionth time. It’s also the worst day of the year to break any bad news. Honestly, I could call someone to tell them I needed help with an emergency on April 1st and it would be two weeks before I was found on the floor in my kitchen, crushed underneath my fridge.
May
May is completely aware that no one is in a position to take time off work or studies in May. It is purely out of spite for the human race that it brings the nicest weather of the year, which we can’t even enjoy. May is a sadistic month.
June
It is far too hot outside.
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July
Alright cool, so you’re going to Barcalona! Here are your flights, here’s your accommodation, your euros. Sorted. That’ll be seven hundred thousand pounds please.
August
It is so cold I am literally going to die, and the last words I hear will be of stuffy old men telling me that climate change is a myth. I want to be adventurous and youthful, but it’s raining far too hard for anyone in their right mind to go outside. Plus, I think everyone I know has been blown away by a hurricane.
September
The month where everyone misses Summer, despite the fact that Summer never actually happened. If anything, the weather’s actually nicer now than it was in Summer, just as an extra middle-finger to everyone.
(Image: theexpress.co.uk)
October
Who the hell do you think you are, October? You think you’re so much better than November because you had the funky leaf colours first? Oh, you carved a pumpkin and put it in your window? Nice job on mutilating a perfectly good bit of veg, which now nobody is going to eat. That’s a lot of food waste you’ve got on your hands, October. Who’s gonna have to deal with that disposal job? That’s right. November. Even though it had nothing to do with it.
December
Christmas is a time for family, fun and showing you care about each other through the exchange of wonderful, thoughtful gifts. In theory, this sounds like it could be rather pleasant, but once you get to a certain age it becomes a day of being repeatedly shot with a nerf gun by your little cousin who still can’t remember your name despite having known you since birth. Boxing Day is exactly the same, except now you are completely at a loss as to how to function as a human being, and with each foam bullet comes a stab of existential dread. You stare at the last few bites of your turkey and stuffing sandwich; Cars 2 is on the tele but no one is paying attention to it; every time you close your eyes, all you can hear is the cruel voice of Bop-It asking you where this last year of your life went. Next year, you have to “do it the same, but better”.
(Image: amazon.co.uk)