Gaslighting and Lying: What is the difference?

If it’s not already known, I love the show The Sopranos. I am currently binging on season four and I am so into it. I acknowledge the controversy behind it, and I of course don’t agree with the anti-hero, Tony Soprano, most of the time. Although, the stories are intriguing and have a lot of symbolism behind them. 

One night, I was watching season four, episode two, “No-Show”, and there’s one scene that sticks out to me. It’s Christopher, Adrianna, and “Danielle” (who we know is an undercover FBI agent working to gain intel on the family), and they are in a club. Adrianna and Christopher are kissing and Danielle is sitting next to Christopher. While Christopher is kissing Adrianna, he grabs Danielle’s leg. Adrianna sees it and understandably freaks out. She starts getting mad at Christopher, but then he starts shifting the blame on Danielle. Stating that Danielle has been feeling him up instead and that what they have is stronger than any little fight.

 Adrianna starts crying and hugging Christopher, and in the next scene Adrianna cuts things off with Danielle. It’s a really hard scene to watch because you feel so much sympathy for Adrianna. So far in the series, she has been nothing but supportive and there for Christopher, just for him to treat her like that. Then the word “gaslighting” came into my head as I was watching the scene. So, I thought about it. I thought about how at times I may have used the wrong terminology. So, before you tell your best friend that her boyfriend is gaslighting her when he just lied about where he was, let’s get the terminology straight. 

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse or psychological manipulation involving distorting the truth to confuse or instill doubt in another person to the point they question their sanity or reality. It’s a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships. Not just romantic relationships, any form of relationship can suffer from this abuse. It’s a tactic to submit the victim and have them question reality, and only trust the reality that the abuser portrays. The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British work “Gas Light”, in which the husband tried to drive his wife crazy by using various techniques that made him question his perception and mental health. “Gas Light” became a film in 1940 and 1944. There are many tactics that the abuser may use, which generally are used to hide the fact that the abuser does want the victim to be aware of. 

One tactic is “withholding” which is a technique that the abusers claim to lack understanding and refuse to listen and share their emotions. An example is “you just want to make me confused”, coming from the abuser. 

Another technique is “countering”, in which the abuser strongly interrogates the victim’s memory even if the victim remembers the matter correctly. An example would be “consider what you remembered last time wrong”, or “wow you’re losing it huh?”. 

At this point of the abuse, the abuser will begin to question their experiences, thoughts, and opinions in a more global way through angry statements. Examples are, “you look at everything in the most negative way”, “Well, you don’t believe me”, and “Your imagination is too active.” 

“Blocking” and “diverting” are techniques where the abuser changes the dialogue of the subject to ask the thoughts and control the conversation. An example would be, “you hurt me” or “where did you get such a crazy idea”. 

Another technique is “trivializing” which is to overreact simple things and to simply put words into the victim’s mouth that they didn’t say. Such as “do you want us to separate?”.

Lastly, “forgetting” may also be the form of gaslighting. The abuser intends to forget what happened. The abuser may also deny things such as important promises to the victim. An example can be, “what are you saying?” or “I never said that, you’re crazy”.

One of the worst gaslighters will even create situations to use gaslighting techniques. An example of this is to hide the victim’s key and hint to the victim that they have lost their key. Then “help” the victim’s “poor memory” to find the key. 

Lying is stating something untrue with the intent of trying to make it seem true. Humans lie a lot, like a lot. But gaslighting is a whole different ballpark with the intent of making someone not trust their perspective of reality. 

Some after-effects the victim may face after dealing with this type of abuse can be depression, anxiety, and psychological trauma. Especially if the abuser used other abuse patterns aside from gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is something very common that many people deal with daily. It is often a scary experience to have a partner that would want to alter the way you see yourself and the world. So, having the knowledge and knowing the ways it can hurt someone, society should be a bit more careful just throwing around the word like it’s nothing.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:

phone, at 800-799-7233

live chat, at thehotline.org

text, by texting LOVEIS to 22522