Depression is a mental disease that affects over 16 million Americans today. This illness takes ahold of someone’s entire life and can shred it to pieces. It can effect one’s sleeping habits, eating habits, concentration, energy level, self-esteem, and can even cause physical pain.
“If it wasn’t for this journey, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” Kristen*, a student at Lasell College, explains her personal journey through depression and self-harm. “It started in seventh grade, because although they took care of me physically, I didn’t feel like my parents were taking care of me emotionally or mentally.” Kristen was depressed, and coped with it through self-harm, which many sufferers also do.
Self-harm is the intentional, direct injuring of one’s body. This includes cutting, burning, scratching, punching, poisoning— any behavior that intentionally harms a person’s body. Kristen was a cutter. “It was a call for help, but my parents thought I was just looking for attention.” Kristen would cut herself, wait for the scar to heal, then cut again, in a vicious cycle that would only become worse.
High school was a more stressful time for Kristen and the cutting increased, she stopped waiting for the cuts to heal. Going into junior year, her depression was at its worst. Kristen couldn’t concentrate on anything; she felt lost and hopeless. After a teacher called the school counselor about journal entries she had made during class, her parents were called in for a meeting and Kristen was officially diagnosed with depression. The next course of action was treatment, which included medication and therapy.
Senior year, Kristen’s grades were improving and she felt the best she had in a while. The therapy was helping, but the medication was proving to be less helpful. Kristen said that a few times she would feel like the medication wasn’t working, or that she was better off without it. She would go cold-turkey, without weening. It wasn’t long until Kristen would crash, relapse, and have to start the medication again. Finally after a year on the Prozac, Kristen decided to go cold-turkey one last time, so she could come off of the medication without force, from her parents or doctors, and without weening. She wanted it on her own terms.
It was hard but Kristen made it through the rest of her senior year, graduation, and the following summer without relapsing. It was the longest time she had gone without relapsing and she was thrilled to be heading off to college.
Kristen grew up playing sports, and they became a coping mechanism for her. But two concussions within the first two months of school brought her to a low. She relapsed after going almost a year without it. “It destroyed me,” she said, “It felt like everything was going downhill and everything I had worked for from junior year was gone.” Although friends were confidants, it wasn’t enough. Kristen knew this time was really worse. After relapsing sometimes twice in one day, Kristen realized she had to stop. With fresh cuts and old scars lining her wrists, she once again went to get help.
Kristen went to the school counselors, spoke with her therapist from home, and went back on medication. Although it was tough, she was once again on the road to recovery. As spring semester rolled around, the relapses were decreasing as the feeling of control increased. She kept that feeling through the summer and into her second year at school. Kristen hasn’t relapsed since November of 2014.
“Its a struggle. Some days can start out great then after dinner it gets dark out and I am by myself I can feel the urge for no reason.” But she stays strong and in her weaker moments will distract herself with Netflix, music, exercising, and even looking at inspirational quotes.
To anyone currently fighting, Kristen says, “Seek professional help. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong and know that recovery is possible. It will take some time and relapses can happen but don’t let that stop you from working towards recovery.”
*Names have been changed