If You Ever Wondered What It’s Like to Have Psychosis

Content Warning: This article discusses topics related to mental health that may be triggering to some readers.

Psychosis is one of those mental health terms that still hasn’t gotten its positive “all mental health matters” glow up. It’s one of the terms that still faces lots of stigma, maybe that’s part of why I don’t like to talk about it. 

Psychosis, across its many manifestations and disorders, always presents as three main symptoms: hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions. Not everyone will experience these symptoms to the same extreme. For example, I don’t get a lot of hallucinations, unlike the stereotypes. The symptoms can vary so much from person to person, but I can give some examples of what mine look like because so many people seem to lack an understanding of people with psychosis (Trigger warning ahead for very irrational thoughts, mentions of suicide, and violence).

School and living alone on campus can be very hard to manage. When I’m submitting an assignment on paper, I have delusions that the teacher can tell how much time I put into the assignment by the pencil marks on the page, and will judge me or grade me based off of this. While walking on campus, I have hallucinated my abusive ex-boyfriend and that he has traveled across the country to find me again. When I’m alone in my dorm, I believe that people can watch me through my eyeballs like some recording system that can broadcast my thoughts and activities live. I find it hard to go out at night. The darkness brings out my hallucinations much more than normal. I eat dinner at 3:30 to avoid nighttime and anyone in the dining hall. I have to physically hold my phone in my hand, or feel it in my pocket, when I’m outside, otherwise I am convinced someone will find a way to steal it. 

Transportation becomes very difficult for me as well. When I’m riding the train or on a walk, I am convinced someone is following me home every single time. The feeling is not anxiety that someone could be following me home; it’s paranoia and delusion that a specific person is actively following me home right now (despite no reason to believe that, in hindsight). I will often try to “fool” the suspected stalker by pretending to get off the train at a random stop, or sometimes I will actually get off the train at the wrong stop just to swap trains because I am so certain someone on there is malicious. 

I believe I have no right to ever fight with or be neutral to my family, if not, I believe they will kill themselves, and it’ll be my fault because I didn’t care enough.

When I’m at home and home alone, I sometimes hallucinate footsteps and creaky floorboards from an intruder in my house. I believe that it’s set up so that only I, specifically, would get hurt, rather than my whole family. I believe that the intruder has backup waiting outside my back door and that I can see them in the darkness just barely through the glass of the door. I believe that I can’t let my dog outside, or they will be waiting there to shoot her dead, and then I will be truly alone and vulnerable. They’re just waiting for me to do it, but I always figure out their plan, so they have to try again another night. (Can you tell this one has happened a lot?)

Sometimes it seems easier to not have friends. I feel like there is nothing anyone can ever do or say to fully prove that they are honest with me. I genuinely prefer not speaking at all during very bad episodes, I feel like anything I say, no matter how insignificant, will be used against me.

I can mask these feelings to a degree because I’m very self-aware of my psychosis. I know that they aren’t real, but they still feel real enough for me to believe them. For example, the house intruder delusion. It’s happened multiple times, and I can always acknowledge that it’s a delusion, but the moment I’m in that episode again, I feel like maybe this time it’s for real. Maybe they know that I have delusions, and they’re doing it for real this time because they think I might not take it seriously. With these beliefs, I will not call the police because I can force myself to acknowledge the delusion, but no matter what, I’m definitely not letting my dog outside.

I can prevent myself from acting recklessly or accusing someone of something, but deep down, I will feel those feelings of fear and rage every single time. I try my best not to freak out over them so that people aren’t cruel to me, because people never seem to take my symptoms seriously. Especially with all the new social media terms like being “delulu” and “schizoposting,” it just feels like no one takes it seriously. As college continues, the symptoms only seem to get worse. After posting this, I will probably regret it and get very paranoid about the information I shared. But as part of my growth, I must find ways to force myself through the feelings of fear, anxiety, pain, and regret.

And of course, this is not an extensive list of symptoms. That’s not my goal for this article. I just want to share the fear and pain that comes with psychosis. To anyone who does not experience psychosis, I hope you have empathy for our struggles. To anyone who does experience psychosis, remember that there are people you can trust, people who will help you, and there is a bright side at the other end of the tunnel. 

Stay strong, everyone!

• Experiences
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• mental health
• Mental Health Awareness
• psychosis