Sexposed: “But I Gave Consent”

Disclaimer: The woman who was interviewed does not identify as a survivor but recognizes that others in similar situations do. This account is not meant to take away or discredit anyone else’s experience, it is simply meant to share one personal experience.

The following is pieced together from an interview with a Lasell female student who experienced a time where it seemed like saying yes felt like the only option.

How did you meet?

I had a friend who had classes with this guy. He wasn’t my usual type but he seemed nice and she had built him up to be this really sweet guy, so I went for it. We were texting back and forth throughout the week. He started to seem really great. Like he was really interested, ya know?

Interested how?

I hadn’t really had too much experience with dating at this point, but that’s where I assumed this whole thing would go. I started to like him quite a bit. We met up at a couple parties, hung out in his room a few times. Looking back, I should have realized what a short span of time it was, a couple weeks or so, max, but in the moment I thought I had discovered this really cool person to be with. We never really talked about certain exclusivity. At that point I had just assumed since we were hanging out so much…I don’t know.

Where did it start to go south?

It started feeling like the only times we really hung out were when we were alone in his room. Like the only reason he wanted to see me was to hook up. We weren’t having sex at this point, but we were definitely fooling around. I had gone over one night to watch a game or something. Just hang out. I got into whatever we were watching and he wasn’t so we started to fool around. This time things escalated.

So what went wrong?

I feel like when a guy does something to a girl it’s a little more personal. At least for me it is. So I’m super iffy when it gets to that stuff. It can take a while for me to feel comfortable enough with a guy to let things go there. When I told him I didn’t want that, he started to question me. Saying things like, “I’ve never met a girl who didn’t want that” and “what’s wrong with you”. It got to the point where it was either walking out or letting him do whatever. So I was just like, okay go for it. I was thinking in my head we weren’t going all the way so it didn’t matter. So I let it happen. I gave the okay. And it was awful. I felt so gross. Like I was tainted. So I faked that I liked it so it would just end.

What happened after?

I got dressed, said goodbye and I left. He never reached out to me after that. And I definitely didn’t reach out to him.

How do you feel about the whole situation now?

When it happened I knew I had a choice to leave and I didn’t. The reason I didn’t was because I felt like, I don’t know, someone wanted me. Like I didn’t have to be alone. I think way back in my mind I was thinking that I could just suck it up and deal with this so I would have someone. That’s why I gave the okay. I gave consent. How was he supposed to know that in my head I was saying no. It was a lesson I learned in my freshman year. Since then I’ve never repeated the same experience. I’ve either been really lucky to find guys who respect my boundaries or been able to drop the ones who don’t pretty quickly.

Do you have any advice for people who have been through similar situations?

Honestly, I don’t know. But I guess for those who are in a situation like mine, I’d say do only what you’re okay with. And if someone doesn’t understand that, they’re not worth it. In the moment I had a choice to leave and didn’t. I gave consent to something I didn’t really want. I’ve had friends in situations where there hasn’t been an escape or they’ve said no or both. That’s a different situation because they were denied their consent.

        Saying no can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, especially when it’s with someone whom there might be potential with. But remember that if it’s someone that’s really worth having they’ll not only want to make you happy, but they will hold your boundaries in the same regard as their own needs.

Happy Hunting.

• consent
• healthy relationships
• saying no