Eurovision2023 was hosted in Liverpool (a moment of silence for the Leeds Eurovision we missed out on). If there’s one thing you’d need to know about me it’s that I LOVE Eurovision. That’s why this year, with my dissertation set aside, I left behind my library sessions and uni work, got comfy in my pyjamas with a cuppa in hand and settled in for my favourite week of the year. Now that it’s over and my deadlines are looming, I must find new ways to procrastinate, and so behold: my very accurate and totally unbiased awards for this year’s performances.
- Catchiest song – Norway: ‘Queen of Kings’ by Alessandra
This one might not be the best song of the year, but it has been stuck in my head ever since I first listened to it and I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I know my housemates who have to put up with my shower singing most definitely don’t think so.
- Funniest song – Austria: ‘Who The Hell Is Edgar?’ by Teya & Salena
Why are they singing about Edgar Allen Poe? Why are they dressed like they’re finance bros from the 70s? I don’t know, but I love it. It’s bizarre, very electric pop style, and totally nonsensical which is truly everything I love about Eurovision. It was actually a close runner up for catchiest song (but I just can’t quite nail the rap …).
- Angstiest entry – Serbia: ‘Samo Mi Se Spava’ by Luke Black
There’s always some angsty, sad songs in Eurovision and usually they come bottom of my list but this one was camp, dramatic and I loved it. Sadly my subtitles decided not to work so I had no idea what he was saying, but just from the vibes alone, I would describe Luke Black as a modern day, emo Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights.
- Best dressed – Finland: ‘Cha Cha Cha’ by Käärijä
It wouldn’t be Eurovision without wacky costumes and Finland rarely lets us down. The kinky boxing outfit is a total juxtaposition to the song. I don’t have a clue what’s going on in this performance and that’s exactly how I like it. Lordi, Finland’s 2005 entry, still takes the award for most outlandish costume design in all of Eurovision’s history, so it was no surprise they came top of this year too. The Met Gala quivers at the sight of Finland’s Eurovision entries.
- Best staging – Spain: ‘Eaea’ by Blanca Paloma
This was very different from Spain’s usual entries and a welcome surprise! The staging felt very dystopian and a bit Handmaid’s Tale-esque. It was simple, but unique, and I love the monochrome red. Super dramatic!
- Biggest slay – France: ‘Évidemment’ by La Zarra
The makeup, the hair, the outfit, the song, the disco funk, the sultry vibe, the subtle dancing. The whole thing was One. BIG. Slay. Loved it. Nothing more to add.
- Best performance – Germany: ‘Blood & Glitter’ by Lord of the Lost
This was definitely in my top 3 entries of the night. Bright, latex costumes, a rock/pop/screamo hybrid song, slightly scary and yet also slightly sexy? Once again, it’s the epitome of what I love about Eurovision!
- And the best of the best (drum roll please …) – Moldova: ‘Soarele şi Luna’ by Pasha Parfeni
Moldova takes this without a doubt. Their 2022 entry was my personal favourite so I was very excited for this year’s performance and they didn’t let me down. They consistently serve at Eurovision and one day, they will get the recognition they deserve. Honestly, ranking 18th this year was an outrage! The dancing was very cool, a total medley of styles and I love how they embrace their culture and language. Nothing but respect for MY winner of the year!
And now for the dishonourable mentions, because it wouldn’t be a Eurovision roundup without booing for at least a couple songs …
- Ireland: ‘We Are One’ by Wild Youth
I love my Irish friends and I know they’re going to be mad, but it seems like the type of song Jet2 will use on their next package holiday deal advert if Jess Glynne ever steps down. It did, however, garner comparisons to Harry Styles, so there may be something in there for Harry fans. Harry dupe aside, boo.
- Switzerland: ‘Watergun’ by Remo Forrer
Firstly, his voice was STUNNING and I totally didn’t expect it. But, the song did feel like an attention ploy in its usage of current politics surrounding war, which is rather controversial at this time. It’s also quite repetitive, so double boo.
- Italy: ‘Due Vite’ by Marco Mengoni
It was nice, but it simply isn’t Eurovision. As I’ve said, I’m always a bit against the slow, sad song entries. I crave camp and pizazz. On that note, boo.
So there you have it, my totally scientific, accurate and most certainly factual Eurovision roundup. If you missed Eurovision this year and are yearning to get involved in the copious discourse, do feel free to use my very sound judgments to inform your opinions and blow everyone away. To those of you who did watch this year’s edition, who was your favourite?
Written by: Hannah Clarke
Edited by: Harsheni Maniarasan