How To Lose Your Degree in 10 Days

Disclaimer: This is a piece of creative writing, and is entirely satirical!

DAY ONE: DO NOT SHOW UP 

POV: Ring, Ring. You hear your morning alarm, and it awakens you. It is a beautiful Monday morning as you feel the calming cold breeze of autumn drifting through your slightly open window, sunlight sneaking into the room through the drapes. Then it hits you: it’s your first day back at university! You remember how you meticulously planned it all out over the summer, how you are going to make this year your year! Which is exactly why, when you hear that alarm ring, you make the strategic choice… to turn it off and go back to bed. 

This is your first step toward showing the University how serious you are – about losing your degree, that is. So, by not showing up, you can start to get ahead of falling behind. Nothing says commitment to failure like skipping the first 9am lecture. After all, who even goes to those? 

DAY TWO: LET THE FOMO WIN 

We’ve all been there. There are lectures you’re behind on and an important essay is due in less than a week, but the flat is going out tonight! How could you possibly miss it? What if something amazing happens? Sure, you have a 9am tomorrow, but let’s be real – you’ve stopped attending those. 

Tonight is all about embracing your fear of missing out! Say yes to everything. 

Hopefully, this will get you into the habit of prioritising social events over academics, and soon enough, your degree will become an afterthought. 

DAY THREE: GO TO THE “LIBRARY”  ..PUB 

Feeling a rare burst of productivity? Make sure you find yourself at the right place – the library! Or more specifically, “The Library” pub. It’s practically on campus and it does say “library” on it, after all. Easy mistake, right? 

Remember to always redirect that energy toward less academic endeavours. 

DAY FOUR: CLUB EVERY NIGHT 

Mondays? Bobbys. Tuesdays? Devotion. Wednesdays? Mischief. Thursdays? Indie. Fridays? Disco Spoons. Saturdays? Projekt. Sundays? You’ll find something. 

Seven-day benders are especially important to losing your degree. Every day you will be hungover, sleep deprived and in a state of recovery. Therefore, rendering you to become a slightly dysfunctional human being. It’s a guaranteed way to make your university work harder to do. This is good! It’s easier to lose your degree this way! 

DAY FIVE: OTLEY RUN MADNESS 

Picture it: Saturday, 3pm, and you’re on yet another Otley run. This time, you’ve decided to dress up as a minion. Covered in yellow paint, and far too drunk. Your inebriated minion brain decides it’s a great idea to run in traffic, climb on cars and because you are a minion, try and steal the moon. 

Unfortunately for you, in Headingley, is your seminar teacher, she is trying to do a food shop when she spots you mid-antics. She is confused, and because she clearly never liked you anyway, she decides to get you kicked off the course so you can seek professional help. 

DAY SIX: SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY 

On that blessed day that sweet student finance drops, I recommend you spend all of it as soon as possible. The city centre is yours for the taking! Doesn’t matter if it’s on the clothes shops, the food court or the fancy cafes, Leeds is your oyster! 

The point here is to create a domino effect: once your funds are gone, you cannot afford to live. You cannot pay your rent or afford to eat, so you’re forced to go back home. Therefore, having to drop out, and this makes it a lot easier to lose your degree. 

DAY SEVEN: PLAGIARISE WITH CONFIDENCE 

Forget academic integrity, you have seen the weird spam ads in the random WhatsApp university group chats. Don’t do your own work, instead let the random bot you found online write your essay. Don’t read it either, just submit it with confidence and cross your fingers. 

DAY EIGHT: SEND OFFENSIVE EMAILS 

At this point, you’re likely getting bombarded with threats about your attendance, plagiarism, and overall lack of effort. So, when you email them back, make sure to be rude. Very rude. If you did not stand out before, you definitely do now! You may finally get kicked off your course! 

DAY NINE: BECOME A CRIMINAL 

Effective and self-explanatory. 

DAY TEN: JOIN A SPORTS SOCIETY 

If all else fails, I’ve learned that becoming a rugby lad is the most effective of all. It is the final boss. We’ve all heard the horror stories: at its tamest, sports socials involve drinking… a lot. The infamous “death punch” may get you. Who knows what is in it? Ultimately, being part of a sports society for more than a week increases your odds of alcohol poisoning – making it much easier to lose your degree when you are dying from liver failure. 

For everyone following my guide: good luck! 

Written by: Emma Collins

Edited by: Fatima Ahmed

• degree
• first year
• how to
• satire
• university