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We survived January with nothing but lettuce on our plates and the gym on our schedule, and now we are succumbing to the pressure that is the Valentines Day manhunt. The idea of chocolate related gifts, a three course meal followed with potential bedroom activities, easily beats a night faced with the prospect of your onesie, a takeaway and your ever trusty dildo.
For the 14th of February, I’m advocating the need for a man.
The Push-Up Bra
Whether you’re naturally blessed, or chicken fillets are your new best friend, boys like boobs. I’m currently braving the February freeze and disregarding my unflattering jumpers for a cunningly tighter top. Of course, this is false advertising, and my February cleavage is nothing but an illusion credited to a decent wonderbra, and will lead to a light-off night of passion unless my poor, unsuspecting man likes the saggy-lopsided-to-my-knees look. If you are perky and bouncy in all the right places then on this circumstance, with the image of a bouquet of roses that you can brag about, if you’ve got it, it’s time to flaunt it.
Dress Up
For many of you, the idea of a “lady in the street, but a freak in the bed” may conclude to enjoy the benefits of a kinky outfit. Admittedly, I’d be game as a badger if I had a size 8 figure (or if I’d actually been attending the gym in January). For myself however, the naughty nurse, cheeky cheerleader, sassy sailor and mistress maid are all fine and well when I’ve not been eating my bodyweight in Christmas cake (and hobnobs, chocolate and alcohol), but the idea of trying to squeeze my oversized behind into a questionable PVC outfit, which I then can’t get out of without some form of surgical procedure, is just not appealing.
For those of you who have buns of steel, you could adapt the hotpants look into your February wardrobe in order to give you a sexy edge. Alongside the tight top and tiny shorts, you may have to avoid shops such as Thornton’s, which are advertising heart shaped chocolates which may potentially ruin the look we’re going for.
Of course, I feel it is fairly hypocritical for me to even attempt to give you advice on how to get a man on Valentine’s Day, when I have not had a date on the 14th of February since 2010 (and I fell asleep through it). For those of you who hate Valentine’s Day and all it resembles, on the 12th of February it’s Pancake Day! If you eat enough, you may have the joy of putting yourself into some form of food coma and completely miss out on the big V-day celebrations. However, with this attitude, I can see why you may not have gotten laid in a while.
Anonymous
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