I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. On a Monday night in February, my mom and I were on the phone for hours. She decided she wanted to reconnect with her biological father and his side of the family. My mom knew it was the right time and decision and she planned to go out to California in April to meet them. Coincidentally, a few hours later I got into LMU. So we decided that in April (after visiting LMU and my other family, the Hidalgos) we would go meet the Garcia’s.
When I was in 3rd grade, I learned that my Grandpa Steve was not my mom’s biological dad. A man named Dennis was my mom’s biological father. I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t related to my Grandpa Steph. I found out that my Grandpa Steph married my Grandma Cora and adopted my mom when she was 5. My Grandma Cora passed away on 9/11. I was only three months old and there has been, and always will be, a deep hole in my heart.
The 9/11 memorial in Sudbury, MA
Before I knew it, it was April. No words can describe what it was like. I brought my camera but I didn’t record a thing. I was emotionally overwhelmed. We first met my uncle Dennis and his wife Mary Lou. It was a quiet setting. I learned that Dennis served in the Vietnam war and of the physical and mental toll that it took on him. When we met him, he was in a wheelchair and able to speak but quietly and faintly. Mary Lou and my uncle told us everything. They showed us hundreds of pictures. We learned that he thought about my mom a lot. He talked about her frequently in therapy but ultimately he decided it was up to her if she wanted to re-connect.
When I met the rest of the Garcia’s my heart became full again. I have so many aunts, uncles, and cousins that love me and want to get to know me. Before this April I had no first cousins that I knew of. I met my first cousin “little little” Dennis Garcia. From a distance, the Garcias had seen my family, they watched my mom on Larry David. Occasionally they would check her blog just to see that she was living a happy life.
Me, My mother and Dennis
The Garcia’s coming into my life has been one of its greatest blessings. The empty hole in my heart felt full for once. I heard of the sadness and pain they felt when they heard of my grandma’s passing. I heard so many family stories. I saw so many pictures. They listened to me try to sum up my childhood.
This past year was bittersweet. As I met one grandparent, it also marked 18 years since I lost the other. Neither of my maternal grandparents got to see me grow up. My grandma Cora only saw me reach 3 months. My grandpa Dennis only saw me at the edge of 17. Additionally, this past year was my first 9/11 away from home and on October 21st at the age of 71 my grandpa Dennis passed away. Here are some ways I have dealt with grief while at school.
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Go to Student Psychological Services. They are a great source to talk to and get your feelings out. They are a free service for students. Their website is: https://studentaffairs.lmu.edu/wellness/studentpsychologicalservices/
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Tell your professors. They will be very accommodating with your situation. See if you can get an extension on an assignment and let them know if you need to miss class.
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Tell your roommate and friends. It may be hard to bring up a heavy topic to friends you have just met so find an appropriate time. My best suggestion is to plan a time to talk. Telling a friend after the gym or telling your roommate right before bed may not be the best time to have this kind of talk. Maybe do it in your dorm room or outside around sunset. Find what feels most comfortable for you.
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Tell your RA. Your RA is always looking out for you. They want to make sure that you’re doing well. Their job is to make sure you are okay. They are always willing to talk and provide support for you.
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Tell your friends from home. Even though you are all separated they should still know what’s happening in your life. They will show love and support even if they are hundreds of miles away.
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Take a mental health day. Sometimes you need a break. Do things that will make you feel better. If it’s getting ice cream, doing a face mask, watching a movie or going to the beach you should make time to do that.
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Most importantly, do things that are normal. Your body may be in shock or a stressed emotional state. Doing things that you usually do will help you feel better. Please don’t just sit in bed all day. Even if you don’t go to class you should do things like getting lunch, grocery shop and going to clubs.
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It is important and healthy to cry. Don’t hold it in. You will feel a lot better after you do it. Don’t be ashamed or scared to do it. Don’t feel self-conscious if you want someone to be there with you.
This year on 9/11 I decided to go to class. I treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Afterward, a friend drove me to the memorial in Manhattan Beach, I left flowers and reflected there for a bit. I hung out with friends that day. That night I even went to a dance audition.
After I found out that Dennis passed away I lied down for a bit. Eventually, I called a friend to tell them. Next, I emailed my professors. I simply could not focus on my school work. My mind was on other things. That night I told another friend what had happened. We went to Salt & Straw for ice cream and yes, I spent $10.50 on a milkshake. I decided not to go to my 8 a.m. the next day. I realized I needed sleep and me time. I cried for probably more than 4 hours that day. Even though that sounds very sad, it felt so good to get it out. I waited for an appropriate time to tell the rest of my friends here and did the same with my friends back home. While I have had some difficult weeks during my first semester of college, I have decided not to let them define my experience.