Hickeys. To me they’ve always been really discomforting and inappropriate. I’vealways judged people who proudly wore them. The act of giving and receiving hickeys is rather controversial. As a girl who never really liked getting hickeys, I would constantly get comments about being a prude from the people I was dating. One of my exes said that I was a nun without the habit. Guys seem to have it easier. They can walk around with this stamp and not be judged; they don’t have the pressure of choosing whether or not they want to commit this act. So I decided to brand my boyfriend and myself with a scarlet letter to observe the different reactions that we would receive.
Day One: Branding
Once I saw the monster of a mark that was left on his neck, I offered him my expertise on cover up and make up. He looked in the mirror, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Naw, it’s fine. Who cares?” Well I did, so I decided to cover it up. It wasn’t my best work, the mark was still rather visible and it felt impossible to hide. So we went on with our days. I got a few queer looks from acquaintances, and even professors. No one commented on the mark, but I could clearly see that they were wondering what it was, where it came from, why wouldn’t I put more effort in covering it. Later, I talked to my boyfriend and asked how people reacted. He said that mostly people were chill with it, but that he did have some people who questioned him as to who gave him that hickey. A girl even made fun of it and flicked it. I was surprised by how mocking their comments were, even though they were playful in nature. He told me that when he responded that he had a new girlfriend, his friends would high five him and automatically approve. He was branded a successful man.
Day Two: Low Cut Shirts and A Sense of Impending Doom
On the second day, I decided not to wear any cover up. It was a nice day out -for Ithaca that is- so I picked out a nice U-neck tank top and slipped on my jeans. I stepped out through my dorm door and felt the panic sink in. Why was I so scared? My hickey was exposed for the world to see and judge. This time there were no looks of confusion, instead, they were glares of complete and utter disapproval: lifted eyebrows, curled lips, low scoffs. I didn’t feel good. The world was telling me that I wasn’t allowed to own my sexuality. Silenced by people that I barely knew, I was branded with a scarlet letter.My boyfriend was still receiving the same reactions. In American society, female sexuality is hidden in public but demanded in private. This is one way in which male dominance is established over women.
Day Three: Am I the Only One?
Although not much time had passed, at that point I was feeling rather upset and alone. I decided to interview a few of my friends to see if they had gotten similar reactions to their past hickeys. “The first and worst reaction I ever got from having a hickey was from my mother. She saw my hickey and yelled at me in front of my boyfriend… [saying] that I should never let someone do that do me and that if he ever did that to me that she would yell at him.” A lot of the comments I got back were reactions from mothers. One girl told me that she remembered walking home from school and being scoffed at by people on the street. When she got home, she thought she would be safe. She was wrong. The judgment for that girl was everywhere, even in her home, a place that was supposed to be a safe haven. Another girl’s mother: “She said… She called me a little scumbag and then she said ‘it makes you look trashy, don’t get anymore hickeys’… That’s the worst reaction I’ve gotten, but she didn’t even see it.” It seems like the connotation of a hickey is naturally negative. It doesn’t even have to be seen to make it something “trashy”. It’s more than a mark on your skin, it’s a mark on your character.
Day Four: Excuse me? I have a boyfriend.
I was sick and tired of the looks and the giggles and the comments. One girl came up to me, poked the mark, and said, “You got a little something, maybe next time you cover it up better?” Why? Why did I have to cover it up? Did it make her uncomfortable? That wasn’t my problem. The thoughts kept on racing through my mind and before I knew it… I burst. “It was my boyfriend!” The judgement in her face diminished. My boyfriend and I hadn’t really told many people we were dating, so that caught the girl off guard. She turned to him and quipped, “Next time choose a less visible spot!” So, I guess it’s socially acceptable that my boyfriend gave me a hickey, but not if anyone else did? Is it that people in relationships are perceived differently by peoplet? In other words, the perceptions of outsiders mar the way the people in the relationship view themselves. Was that what was happening to me and my boyfriend? Once our relationship was established, the severity of my socially illegal actions were lowered. The events of that day further proved that I, as a woman, am not allowed by society to be freely sexual.
Day Five: The Fading of My Scarlet Letter
The week was ending and as it faded, so did my hickey. I even started to ignore the judgment. It’s funny -and more than a bit sad- how these little marks brand us (women) with negative names. Men do suffer from the same judgment, surprisingly, but to a much lower degree. It is socially unacceptable to have hickeys, period, but the severity of discrimination depends on a few factors: whether you cover it up or hide it, and whether you received it from a hook up or from your significant other. Many questions have been brought about through my experience. Some have been answered, others not so much. Still, though it was hard to receive all that judgment, I wouldn’t have changed my brand; my scarlet letter.