A point I’m sure every college student can relate to is that COVID-19 shifted our lives drastically. Loyola Marymount University went online, a lot of us scrambled to find housing, some stayed home, and overall, it’s been tolling having to balance everything into a harmonious relationship. And to be honest with myself, I know it’s a very privileged thing to complain about; the pandemic is affecting everyone differently and to different degrees. I should be thankful that I am healthy and that my closest friends and family are healthy too. And I am thankful, but that gratitude seems to always take a back seat to all the negativity, stress, and sadness that I’ve been experiencing.
Perhaps the thing I struggled with the most was the news of LMU going online for the fall semester. I’m happy that LMU put the safety of its students and the entire Los Angeles community first, but LMU online also meant I had to stay home for the semester. Let me just say, it’s been an emotional struggle; I wake up every morning with the frustration that I could be somewhere else. I could be living with friends. I could be in a new city. I could be safely experiencing new things and getting the most out of my college experience; but nope, I stayed home. For weeks, I tried to convince myself that it was okay… that I’m still attending LMU and the situation “is what it is” — there’s nothing I can do to change it, so I should just appreciate the time I have. But that forced mindset was, in a way, a lie to myself. I knew I was upset about it, I knew I was frustrated by it, and I knew I felt like I was missing out. So how have I been combatting this inner turmoil?
First off, I had to confront what I was feeling and just be honest with myself. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to accept the circumstances; I was upset about everything and would probably always feel this way. So, eventually, I just let myself be fully and openly upset about it. I let myself cry over it, sulk about it, and be mad at it (my journal is PACKED with so many emotions and rants). I let out every emotion I had and just accepted the fact that the entire situation was FAR less than ideal. Again, it’s privileged of me to be this upset about it, but feelings are feelings—you’ve got to let them out. I hope at least one person can relate to this.
Since this emotional confrontation I had with myself, I’ve just been trying my hardest to stay positive. Pros: I get to stay home with my little sisters, eat amazing meals that my lovely grandmother cooks for us, play with my adorable cousins, and I have more access to resources since I’m better acquainted with the area. I guess the only con is that I know I could be somewhere else doing different things. Admittingly, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I’ve just had a hard time overcoming it. It’s some emotional warfare that I’ve been battling out, and I’m still not really sure where I am in the process. The approach has been something along the lines of “every day is something new, but also, every day is a gift.”
I’m still getting my education at an amazing institution, I’m staying healthy and fit (I just started Lily Sabri’s programs on YouTube — they kill me in the best way possible if you’re looking for a new workout program!), I have adoring friends and family in my life, and above all, I still get to live. It’s completely up to me to dictate how I live, so I guess I’ll just keep looking up. I hope you do too — we’re in this together!