As grocery stores clear their aisles of Valentine’s Day decorations (and we’ll no longer have to get bombarded by the pink-red color combo every time we’re just trying to restock our pantries), now is the perfect time to talk about the plague that infests our favorite romantic movies and television series, and therefore, our perceptions of love: romanticized romance.
Intensity, named one of OneLove organization’s “10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship,” looks a lot like placing your partner on a pedestal, deifying them. It’s when the relationship moves at an uncomfortably quick pace, not wanting to spend a second without your partner, and almost worshipping them. It’s saying things like, “I can’t live without you.” It’s Romeo and Juliet. Intensity is obsession, often mistakenly interpreted as romance.
I spent much of my childhood with my nose buried in books, more notably fairytales when I had first learned how to read. I had a boxed set of Disney Princess books, which were probably the only titles I was writing down for those reading logs we had to fill out in school.
Now, I don’t wholly blame those books for misconceiving me about what love is. Quite frankly, at the age I was reading them, I think I was more concerned about the princesses’ fashion choices in the illustrations. However, the romance aspect still deceived me into believing that love had this common theme: That love is quick and grandiose and just… perfect… which brings me to another common factor of our society’s plagued love: guilting.
Guilting is being upset with your partner for things that are simply out of their control. It can look like threatening to hurt themselves or someone else if their partner is not able to give them what they want. Unlike in fairytales or romantic movies, a partner will not always be able to drop everything to cater to your needs, and it is not their sole purpose to bring you happiness.
Honestly, I had been in a toxic relationship before, admittedly unhealthy on both ends, and I had trouble grasping that last part: “it is not their sole purpose to bring you happiness.” Especially struggling with anxiety and depression, I could not understand why I was so unhappy, and why my partner wasn’t able to take away all of my worries with the wave of a magic wand. That is extremely hard to admit. It wasn’t his duty to somehow make me whole again, and it was not supposed to be. The prince always saves the princess, that’s what he did in every single book of my Disney Princess boxed set. Regardless of all the dragons he had to fight, the prince effortlessly persevered in saving the girl he was in love with. I always thought, “Love prevails, should it not?”. It’s not that simple. Princes live in storybooks, and perhaps they should stay there. Point-blank, I thought love was supposed to be that relentless degree of perfect, but that was unrealistic.
I see these two flaws, intensity and guilting, in many young relationships. I can’t place my finger on what it is that allows these two things to persist in so many of our relationships. Of course, movies, TV shows, and fairytales are partially to blame. Yes, they are fiction and I wish I could defend that they’re exaggerated for art’s sake. However, if fictitious fantastical romances are the only love that we witness, then what do we expect for the fate of our relationships? They’re terribly misleading, especially to naive and impressionable kids. It’s not like we ever talk about the healthy way to love in school to tell them otherwise. Why don’t schools make it a point to teach us how to love?
Redefining the words, “romance” and “fairytale”
I mentioned earlier that I was in a toxic relationship, and I admitted to one of my flaws: expecting the impossible. I’m not at all saying that people shouldn’t have high expectations for their relationships. You should know your worth, and your partner should respect your feelings. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting a fairytale romance… but it depends on the kind of fairytale we’re talking about.
I’m in a relationship right now. Besides living so far from him (he lives in Minnesota and I live in Illinois), I have zero complaints. He makes me feel like a queen, not because he worships every breath I take, but because he is caring, patient, and kind. Those sound like such simple words, but I’m trying my best to not make this a love letter. So, I want to reiterate that romance and fairytales shouldn’t be put to sleep, but maybe just remodeled.
It’s not like he and I never fight or disagree. Our disagreements are few and far between, yet when we do have them, they’re… gentle. No, not because they’re about tiny frivolous mishaps. I just feel so cared for and respected, even when we disagree. I tell him how I feel, using a lot of “I feel” statements (thanks for the tip, mama), never accusing him of affliction, and he responds by not defending himself, but by validating my feelings and helping me see the situation from his perspective. We have a conversation on how we can both fix the situation. Open, honest communication. To be heard and understood. To have someone that always wants to strengthen their bond with me. To be not only admired, but loved, and loved with the utmost respect and regard, even when we don’t see eye-to-eye. To me, that is romantic. That is a fairytale.
Relationships don’t fall into place flawlessly the second you meet someone. We’re (most likely) not going to meet someone who wakes us up from a coma with just a kiss on the lips. Romance should be a lot more gentle, patient, and gracious (on both ends), and a lot less intense and grandiose. Prince Charming still exists, but Prince Charming looks a bit different than what we always read in our storybooks.
Love is a feeling, but love is also learned. I urge everyone to take OneLove’s Love Better Pledge and start being a better lover.