For a college freshman, coming home for break seems to be the most anticipated part of the semester. I was initially really excited to come home for Thanksgiving: I had missed my family and my high school friends, I was excited to be able to drive again and there’s no better feeling in the world than my ninety pound golden doodle knocking me to the ground when I walked in the door.
My Uber pulled up to my house around 8, and by midnight, I found myself crying in the driver’s seat of my old car. I didn’t even know what exactly was wrong, but something felt off. I wasn’t even upset because I felt out of place, I was upset because I felt like it was wrong to feel out of place. But I’ve realized that for me, this reaction makes sense and was to be expected. And as I’ve gotten ready to come home again for Christmas, I’ve found out that I’m not alone in feeling weird being home, and that it’s not wrong or abnormal at all.
My last couple of years in high school were filled with a lot of heartache, in several different areas of my life. I had absolutely beautiful friends and an incredibly loving family, but by graduation, I was exhausted and emotionally spent. I was more ready than ever to move on, and while it took me a couple of weeks to find my footing, I eventually did. I’ve always been a very independent person, I’ve always wanted to live near a city, I love making new friends and learning new things, and so college in an environment that I’ve found myself thriving in. Obviously, I had my bad days and things weren’t perfect, but I committed myself to taking my best shot at this college life that I’d been envisioning for years.
For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged where I was. I had never loved the town I grew up in (middle school bullies do that to you) and while I loved my high school, the mental state I found myself in senior year made it that much harder to feel like I really fit in.
I had idealized being home while at school. I thought my new life would somehow translate and I would feel perfectly at peace and happy. And while I was glad to see the people I loved, I still had those mixed feelings of being somewhere I didn’t belong. And aside from that, there was a voice in my head worried that my friends had moved on without me, whether college has changed us all too much to stay close. Driving roads I used to take to high school made me nostalgic, but there was a bittersweetness remembering the version of myself that used to drive home in tears. Sad memories don’t just disappear. Insecurities about your old friendships don’t leave your mind, even if you don’t see them every day.
I realized two things at once the next day: one, that most of this was in my head. Two, that the parts that weren’t in my head were completely normal and natural. My friends still loved me, despite the distance over the past couple months. My family was still happy to have me around; they weren’t better off without an extra person in our already full house like I worried they would be.
But the parts I wasn’t making up out of my own anxiety, they were just as valid. Everyone has a different relationship with their family, a different connection to the place they grew up, a different high school experience. It seemed like I was the only one not completely ecstatic to be home, but getting back to college, I realized how far from the truth that was. There were people returning to family tension, or loneliness, or like me, a hometown that has never really felt like home. A lot of us moved on when we came to college, and it can be hard to return to where we were before, even if it’s only for a couple days.
I felt guilty, like I wasn’t grateful for my family who had missed me, or the holiday we all got to celebrate together. But two things can be true at once: you can acknowledge you’ve missed the people you love, but also miss the new relationships you’ve formed. You can be grateful that you have somewhere to go, but also acknowledge that places can bring back memories and feelings you don’t want to confront.
Now that we’re going into Christmas break, for anyone that may feel the same way, my biggest advice is to focus on who you’re with, not where you are. You’re not obligated to feel a sense of peace just because you’re in the place that you grew up, and it’s normal to be scared to face that life kept moving while you were gone. But your most important relationships are grounded in love, not location, whether that be in your hometown, on your new campus, or anywhere else.