Have you ever been told that ‘crying is for the weak’, that you should ‘cheer up’ irrespective of the situation’s adversity? Have your friends and family ever told you to smile through your pain and be grateful for everything you have, because someone out there has it worse?
They don’t have bad intentions; however, that doesn’t mean that their words can’t hurt you. It’s our instinct to want to cheer someone up, to console them, but sometimes in the process, we end up negating their emotions and forcing positivity on them.
This type of reassurance is termed ‘toxic positivity’. According to an article in the online magazine Healthline, ‘Toxic positivity is the assumption, either by one’s self or others, that despite a person’s emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only have a positive mindset‘.
You might often wonder if it is wrong to be upset about the loss of a job knowing that there are thousands of people around the world who have been in poverty-stricken conditions? If it’s valid to be stressed about something in your life, even though thousands of others have it worse?
During these times, all that you want sometimes is for someone to come and tell you that it’s okay not to be okay. You want to be sad without feeling guilty about it. But when words of encouragement are framed to make you feel like you shouldn’t be upset, it does more harm than good. You end up bottling guilt inside of you. Instead of acknowledging and accepting your pain, all you do is try to shut it down and be ‘positive’ for the world. This constant suppressing of emotions can lead to some serious issues later in life like isolation, relationship issues, excessive stress that may manifest into anxiety or even physical illness. The more we try to hide our real emotions, the more difficult it becomes to cope with the bundled thoughts and distress inside.
This is precisely why too much positivity can be extremely dangerous. It invalidates your emotions and makes you believe that you are weak when you’re upset. You end up judging yourself for your feelings, and eventually, you feel ashamed that you’re grieving or in distress.
The guilt of being upset, conditions you to develop a mindset that forces you to be desensitised towards the issue and be happy no matter the circumstance. This obsession over happiness leads you to be unhappiness at the end of the day. Suppressing your feelings, or avoiding dealing with your problems is directly linked to increased mental health issues. Quoting an article from The Washington Post, “With data indicating that anxiety and depression, among other mental health problems, have surged in recent months, and adding toxic positivity to the mix may only exacerbate the rising tide of negative emotions by preventing people from working through the serious issues they’re experiencing in a healthy way, experts say. The more you try to suppress your emotions, the worse your anxiety and depression get.”
Some examples and signs of toxic positivity include: telling someone that “they could’ve had it worse” when they’re trying to share their grief with you, as well as using phrases such as “see the good in everything”, “stop being so negative” and “just try to be happy”.
Some signs of toxic positivity that we inflict upon ourselves are: feeling guilty or ashamed of our feelings, trying to suppress our emotions, and focusing on other tasks instead of dealing with the problem. We need to understand that negative emotions are also an essential part of life because they help us embrace issues. Once you accept it, you will learn and grow from it; this will help you become a better person in the long run. You shall be at peace with yourself if you accept your experiences, instead of avoiding them.
So how do we deal with this? A couple of things that can be done to avoid toxic positivity are:
-
Try not to suppress your emotions: negativity and unhappiness often stem from us trying our best to lock our emotions in a cupboard.
-
Baby steps to progress: Often, we feel overwhelmed looking at others’ success and progress, it makes us want to step on the accelerator and work till we drop. But that is an extremely unhealthy approach and can often lead to stress and anxiety. Instead, it’s essential to recognise that baby steps will get you to your goal with happiness. Make realistic targets for the day.
-
Listen and pay close attention to how other people feel and support them rather than showering unsolicited advice. Keep in mind that people often don’t immediately want to become cheerful and help them navigate through their emotions without shaming them for it.
-
Stay away from social media if it harms your mental health: We tend to forget that social media is where people put their best selves on display; without flaws, insecurities or hardships. Seeing this display of your peers’ perfect’ life can get a tad bit overwhelming and make us feel embarrassed and insecure about our issues. Take a break from social media if you think it’s getting to your head, always remember that people’s lives aren’t eternally the way they make it seem; everyone goes through hardships and suffering.
There’s nothing wrong in taking time off to cope with your emotions, and no matter what others say you don’t have to be happy all the time. You are not alone in experiencing these emotions – it may seem that way because of the unrealistic expectations that social media promotes. It’s important to remember that everyone goes through similar instances in their life, and it’s completely alright not to be 100% productive every second of the day. There is no right or wrong way to feel. It’s okay to feel sad, pessimistic or gloomy. It’s okay to be tired, and it’s also okay not to see the positive side of things because, in the end, all that matters is that you survived the day.