Two years ago when Tinder first launched, my roommates joined and through observation I was introduced to the strange, new dating app. I was immediately creeped out and I made a sweeping proclamation – nay, declaration – that I would never, ever, EVER join Tinder.
Flash-forward to this semester. Tinder has grown in popularity. I hear stories of real, live Tinder dates. Whispers of conversations with an array of interesting characters. And tales of hilarity and self-esteem boosting. I became intrigued. It seemed sort of… fun. Or at least funny.
Last week, in a deep, dark moment of weakness, I downloaded the app. Proceeding with caution, I carefully constructed my profile bio, chose my pictures, set my match preferences and began a quest of swiping, not fully sure what Holy Grail I was hoping to find. I had a few matches and was feeling pretty pleased with myself.
And that’s when it happened. *Bing* A message? Uh-oh.
So after a brief, boring, and pointless conversation with some guy who goes to some school some miles away, I was ready to delete the app altogether. I just didn’t get it.
But then a thought that occurs to most writers at some time or another occurred to me: Hey, I could write about this! So I decided to give it a week, do a little bit of investigative journalism, see what this “Tinder” nonsense is really all about, and write an article called “How to Lose a Tinder in 10 Days”. I made a point of spending a little bit of time on Tinder each day, learning what I could about the app and seeing where my matches took me.
Okay. Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left. Ooh wait he looked cute! Let me just go back and… SHOOT! Accidental swipe right. Yikes, have to remember you can’t go back. One and done, that’s it. Oh shoot it’s a match. Oh no, no… that was a bathroom mirror pic. Uh, un-match? Phew, okay, dodged that one. Hmm, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right, match! Nice. Oh yeah, he is cute. Hmph, yeah you swiped right for me, I’m moderately pretty as hell in my picture and I look like I am going places! Damn straight. Okay, back to swiping. No, no, no… definitely no… no, no, no, nope, yikes, no, no, hmm he’s kind of cute… no, no, no, no thank you, nope, no way, noooo, Ah! No, no, no, no, oh HELLO hell yes you are so attractive!! *no match* Shoot. This games sucks I’m going to watch that SVU episode I’ve seen 100 times.
This went on for seven days, and what I’ve learned is that Tinder is not a “Dating App” – it’s a game. It might as well be Candy Crush, because Tinder itself even gives you the option to “keep playing” if you get a match mid-swiping spree.
It’s much less about meeting people and more about a self-esteem boost. It’s superficial, it’s simple, and it provides instant gratification for its users.
But hey, I’m not a total Scrooge! I’m sure there are plenty of Tinder success stories, some real Tinderella’s and Love at First Swipe’s out there. But for the most part, Tinder is just another form of fast-paced entertainment for college kids entrenched in our smartphone world of superficiality.
My week on Tinder ended with 14 matches, 4 conversations, and 0 Tinder True Loves. I’m relieved to say the app is now deleted from my phone, leaving space for the more important things in life, like Twitter and the Chipotle App. I can now say with complete certainty that Tinder is not for me, however I will no longer be judging those who do use the app!
What’s next for me? Well I think I’ll stick with the old fashioned dating method: hiding behind my iPhone avoiding eye contact and face-to-face conversation with my peers.
But for all my Marist ladies taking Tinder by storm, I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice. Here are the Top 10 reasons to swipe left and dodge the dead ends:
1.    Group photos. I’m sorry, but which one are you?
2.    Sunglasses. If you have shades on in every picture: red flag! Everybody looks better in sunglasses…
3.    Mirror pics. No. Just, no.
4.    Shirtless pics. Unless you are on a beach, no.
5.    All selfies. Do you not have ANY friends that could have taken a picture of you???
6.    An empty bio. A little mystery, in this case, is not well received. Write something.
7.    Prom pics. Not okay for anyone over age 19.
8.    Frat pics. Not okay for anyone over age 23.
9.    Back of head pics. Hi! Yes, hello? You over there, looking out towards the horizon… turn around! We can’t see your face, sir.
10. Â Â Two pictures or less. You can have up to five photos. Five. Are there only TWO good pictures of you in existence???
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