The Five Guys You Meet at Mars Hill

The Five Guys You Meet at Mars Hill

Just last week I was sitting in the cafeteria, picking through a less than mediocre spinach salad with tomatoes that looked older than my freshman dorm room shower, staring at the pizza bar, like it held all the answers to my life questions, when a freshman walked by me. I’m not one to stare, because I genuinely don’t care, but I found it rather hard to take my eyes off the fact, that this boys pants were below his knees. I just rolled my eyes, like I’ve become accustomed to and kept my sarcastic comment to myself, like I’ve trained myself to. Luckily, an elderly man, I’m assuming to be a trustee to the school, walked right up to him and told him his pants were not being used in their proper form, since in fact, they weren’t covering half of his lower body. The student of course, spouted off some profanities, threw his hands in the air and made a grand exit from the cafeteria, that would give the Titanic’s final sink, a run for it’s money. 

Ew. I wanted to snap my fingers, be out of there, and then buy the elderly man a cupcake and a round of golf, to help him cope with what just happened. Instead, I pulled out my computer and began to write this article. (Because, isn’t that what all normal people do?) 

So here it is, the five guys you meet at Mars Hill. As brief and to the point as I can make it. 

1. The “Professional” Athlete

We all know this guy too well. First day of class introductions, the usual where are you from, what’s your major and what are your career goals. For many this is a simple and quick response, because let’s face it, we all know everyone. It’s almost getting awkward having to tell my room of friends, what my name is. However, I personally love when the guy sitting behind me, his feet on my chair, who was seven minutes late, sunglasses still on his face, asking for the sign-in sheet, tattoos laced up and down his arms, feels it is his public duty to tell us all his life plan. And it usually sounds something like this, “I will graduate from Mars Hill, be drafted into the NFL, MLB or NBA and be my boss.” It is always longer than this, I just left out all the unnecessary details.

But all I hear is, “….you didn’t make a Division 1 team, so you settled for Mars Hill.” Best of luck to you boys.  

P.S. Do not get this confused with our cycling team, from what I understand, most of them have potential to go pro, and they’re very humble about it. 

2. The “I’m Too Good For This Place”

These are your freshman guys. They usually travel in packs and end up transferring within the first semester. They came here with the expectation that Friday nights would be home to huge parties which would roll into crazy Saturday morning tailgates. Sadly, we are not in Tuscaloosa or Athens, so football is not god. Either way, these guys won’t be around long, so don’t hold your breath.

3. The “Do-It-All”

Ahh yes. The guy who you can always count on to never miss class, wave at you when you walk by, always be dressed in some professional manner (what are sweatpants?) and somehow be involved in EVERY campus activity. And I say every campus activity without exaggeration. They literally are at every event and club meeting. And to top if off, they manage to get stellar grades. It’s almost to a point, where I question if they’re human. But alas, I did witness one of these rare species, angrily arguing with a librarian the other day to see if she could open the doors a few minutes early, so he could study longer for his 8 am final. So, they do have emotion! Best of luck to you, and I’m sure I’ll be seeing your political campaigns for county office in the near future. 

4. The “Senior You Just Met For The First Time”

Mars Hill is not a small college. It is a tiny college. I would Google synonyms for small, but I’m too lazy. So just imagine a school smaller than small.  So, walking to class, is like walking a red carpet. Everyone wants to talk to you, see how you’re doing, feel you in on the latest gossip or just waste time with a story. That’s when the craziest thing happens, someone walks by you, and you’ve never seen them! You think they must be lost, or strayed away from a group tour, but no, they’re walking like they know where they’re going. Is this real life? You get to class, and you realize they’ve been in your class this whole time….and this is their fourth year. They’re a senior? Wow. Props to you for laying low and avoiding the inevitable tiny college rumor mill. You’re doing it right. 

5. The Really Good Guy

They exist, I promise. It may take a few months of searching and less than mediocre conversations, but I promise they are walking around, and I can assure you their pants are pulled up.

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