For some reason, when someone says “I was raped”, people always assume it was their fault.
They’re just seeking attention, or pity…
The victim is the one to blame…
They wore provocative clothing…
They smiled at a guy and lead him on…
They sent him “mixed signals”…
They look at the victim like they are tainted, something that has a black smudge on it and is thus less worthy of respect or compassion. Because of this, many girls keep quiet about it, hold it in, and let it overwhelm them because deep down they begin blaming themselves too.
Maybe I did lead him on accidentally?
Maybe I shouldn’t have worn that shirt?
Maybe I was asking for it without knowing it?
We live in a world where the women are blamed, and that, my beautiful dears, is absolute and complete bullshit.
The other day, I finally told my mother about what happened to me. Almost a full year after it happened. She asked me why I didn’t tell her sooner, so we could’ve done something about it right then and there. The reason was simple: I was embarrassed. I blamed myself, and I was scared of coming forward because of what I had witnessed from other girls. They get shunned, whispered about, mocked, and tormented.
We live in a culture where girls are forced to carry pepper spray and mace and Tasers around in their purses. Where self-defense classes are taught and girls are expected to know how to protect themselves, where girls can’t go out alone after a certain time of night because it’s just assumed that a sexual assault will happen. Where we make a conscious effort to avoid situations that could turn awry at any moment. Walking alone at night back to your apartment from campus? Put on your hood, walk with a boyish gate and keep your head down. You’re at a party with friends? Better not put your drink down anywhere. You want to be go to the grocery store? Make sure no one follows you out to your car. You’re walking to your car alone? Make sure you have your keys out and ready before you even reach the door.
These are rules that every single girl has engrained into her brain. We have these drilled into our mind from day one. It’s a dangerous world to be a girl. A world where, rather than teaching boys how to treat women, we teach girls how to protect themselves from men. It’s hard to come out, open up and admit what happened to you- it makes it real. You can no longer pretend that you’re the same person, and that nothing happened. But it also gives you strength and control.
It’s so damn hard. Our society makes it seem like it shows strength to be able to keep everything bottled up and a smile on your face, to deal with everything on your own. In reality, it takes complete strength to admit that you need help, and to go out and ask for it. Never be ashamed of what happened to you, no matter what happens or who mocks you. You are worthy of love and support and healing. You are worthy to survive.
I was raped.
The dreaded “R” word. The touchy subject that makes everyone uncomfortable to talk about. We need to talk about it. We need to use our voices.
I don’t want girls like me to be afraid to come forward because they’re embarrassed, or ashamed, or because they blame themselves.
No.
We did nothing to deserve this. Something needs to be done to teach these boys a lesson. We shouldn’t have to carry multiple weapons on us every day, like pepper spray and keys, in order to feel safe. We shouldn’t have to take a self -defense class to know how to take care of ourselves. We shouldn’t be scared of every shadow, or be paranoid when we walk alone. We shouldn’t prepare ourselves for the absolute worst case scenario, and we shouldn’t expect it when it happens. We should not keep our mouths shut.
Nothing will change if we don’t demand it. We are not saving anyone else by being quiet and timid. We need to speak up for those who still can’t find their voice, and protect those who have yet to lose it.
Let’s teach these boys about another “R” word: RESPECT.
And girls, please know that you’re not alone in this, and you shouldn’t have to feel that way. You are beautiful, and worthy, and strong, and you will survive this. I promise. It may not seem like it now, but one day you will realize just what it means to be a survivor. I love all of you.
Stay Gold.