1. Because as Dr. Oz reminds me—and middle-aged housewives the world over—every weekday afternoon, stress is related to 99% of all diseases. Don’t let school make you diseased; blow off some steam with a little thang’ on the side (of the polygamous marriage you share with five course packs).
2. Because much like the title of boy band sensation N*Sync’s smash hit second studio album, there are simply No Strings Attached.
3. Because the five extra pounds you put on over a winter of doing work, watching Dr. Oz (fine, only I do that), and not attending your Abs, Back, and Booty class at the McGill gym aren’t going to love themselves, my friends.
4. Because against all odds, you actually did attend that Abs, Back, and Booty class twice a week for ten weeks and whoa, you can tell. Derrière. Like. A. Shelf.
5. Because ever since you made out with your old study partner on one particularly questionable Monday night at Sucka Free, you’ve been on the hunt for a new hook-up—er, study partner. Oh, what the heck, you know you’re not really going to get any studying done together—but that’s the beauty of it.
6. Because you’ll have someone to kiss you in the rain when your boycott of Hunter boots means you’re trudging to school in a downpour traversing knee-high puddles with a pair of Sperry Topsiders.
7. Because it is going to take one beautiful distraction to take your mind off your impending 90% Econ final. Not that you should be taking your mind off that…meh, whatever.
8. Because when you walk out of that 90% Econ final you took your mind off of for a bit too long, you’re going to need a shoulder to cry on, or at least someone with really buff shoulders whose sheer tone can muscle the reality that you absolutely just failed a 90% Econ final out of your mind.
9. Because it’s the springtime! And with April showers come May fellas. I think that’s how the old idiom goes, anyway…
10. Because holidays are the worst when you don’t have someone to spend them with. Don’t spend Easter alone; organize a romantic Easter egg hunt! Just kidding. Easter egg hunts are cut-throat.
11. Because you’ve been suffering from S.A.D. all winter and blues are not your colour. Your skin is far too pale for that palette of shades. In the immortal words of Chicago, let a spring fling, “colour [your] wor-or-or-orld with hopes of loviiiing…”
12. Because coffee with milk and cream does not constitute a well-balanced diet, and frankly you’re getting malnourished. For nutrition’s sake, find someone to cook a little somethin’ somethin’ up for you. Being fed chocolate fondue strawberries by candlelight is absolutely the right way to get those fruit servings up to at least five a day. Canada’s Food Guide wants you to have a spring fling.
13. Because you’ve been spending way too much time studying in the library lately and not enough time making out in it. The stacks? The elevators? That mysterious metal staircase to nowhere (heaven?) on McLennan 6th? With a fling, nowhere is off-limits—unless it’s in the actual study carrels. That’s just vulgar.
14. Because come to think of it, pissing off everyone around you as you make-out with your fling at a communal study table may just be the wickedest way to get that table all to thee, thyself, and thy.
15. Because your gruelling Anatomy class requires constant studying. Cadavers are old news; brush up on your technical terms analyzing a real, live bod—live being the operative word.
16. Because a two-litre bottle of diet Coke will only get you so far through an all-nighter. You need someone to keep you on your toes, not ten glasses of a substance that makes you burp like a gassy baby.
17. Because at this time of the year, when you can count on fingers and toes how many Friday morning 8:30 AM classes you have left, don’t you just want to miss just one because you danced your Tokyo Thursday away with a twenty-first century Fred Astaire?
18. Because you just unpacked your short shorts from storage. ‘Nuff said.
19. Because all that Keats you’ve been reading in ENGL 203 has really made you wish you had someone to wax poetic about in nature metaphors. You can’t quote Shakespeare’s, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” when you’ve got no “thee” to soliloquize over.
20. Because having a lap to sit on when you’re trying to enjoy Tam Tams on a Sunday can be a real pant-saver while the ground is still wet. In the interest of dry derrières throughout the land, the human chair option is both feasible and free.