As the year 2013 comes to its end and finals are cranking up my stress levels, I’ve decided to get a little more personal with this article. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for winter break to come around not only so I can go home to great food and Faure family traditions, but also so that I can get an opportunity to process all that’s happened through my semester.
During this past semester, my first semester as a second year student at McGill, my first-ever really serious relationship ended. And by serious relationship I mean we dated for close to a year. I fell in love with him and even tried long-distance over the summer. I was really happy, then things started to not go so well at one point, and then everything just ended.
For me, this means I’m looking forward to using winter break to sit down and reflect upon this experience. For other collegiettes, break-ups during the holidays are also an unfortunate reality as we and our significant others come home from a semester full of new experiences, and sometimes find that we have grown into different people than when we’d left. In the spirit of these times, I want to help anyone who is going through this insanely difficult process during or after the holidays by giving a few tips on how to assess your experiences and find closure.
First let me tell you: there is absolutely no remedy that will instantly heal you from a break-up, no matter how long your relationship was. A friend of my roommate’s kindly told me that she was devastated coming out of a relationship of five months, so she couldn’t imagine how I would be feeling after almost a year of dating. That said, realize that whether it was a semester or two, or a year or less, nothing delegitimizes your pain.
I also want to give a disclaimer that I am in no way an expert nor am I fully finished dealing with my own break-up. These are simply my personal insights from this semester, and I hope they can help you as you go through your unique experience.
Tip 1. Grieve
The first thing anyone and even Google will tell you is give yourself some time to grieve. Yes, these are the days when it is 100 percent okay for you to cry all the tears in your body and have a diet consisting only of ice cream or Nutella (or anything chocolate-based). Make sure you have someone there with you when you go through this step. If you have a roommate, hopefully he/she understands and is there for you when you need it. You will probably be a mess and it will be a comfort to have someone next to you offering their unconditional support.
As you lay in bed, keep next to you a box of tissues, a glass of water (trust me – crying is like a sport all on its own and you will need to stay hydrated throughout) and a TV series that is mind-numbingly distracting. Personally, I couldn’t watch anything that was too romantic, so I just stuck to starting a marathon of The Office. Take your time to sulk and feel down, but try to limit this period to five days – give or take a few according to your personal needs, of course. After that, you need to get out of your bed and find new things to think about or do, because staying in will force you to think more and more about the break-up and in the end all you’re doing is inflicting more wounds on yourself .
Tip 2. Cut off contact
What I learned as I went through this step is that when I am coming out of a relationship, I need to think of my emotions first and foremost. In a relationship you can sort of co-depend on the other person to reassure you or calm you down. After a break-up, that role falls back onto you and only you. Thus, it is essential that you realize what will and won’t help you. For your own sake, after the first weeks of breaking up, make it a clean break. This means that you create a list on Facebook where you can’t see the other person’s updates, purge your room of all the things that can remind you of your relationship and don’t text or call. I know how difficult that sounds, but in the end, if you text or call and he/she doesn’t answer, it hurts a thousand times worse.
Tip 3. Surround yourself
During these rough times it’s a good idea to surround yourself with anyone and everyone you think you can count on. Believe it or not, Magic Johnson said it best: “When you face a crisis, you know who your true friends are.” These are friends you can text or call anytime, even if you’re a blubbering mess. They’ll reach out to you and ask if they can help you. During my own breakup I found out which of my friends I could rely upon and will do anything now to keep our bond strong. At the beginning, I was a bit worried of how or whether they would respond to my texts, but once you reach the intense moment of pain and you know you can’t wait the five minutes it takes for someone to to answer you back, call. If your friends pick up and stay on the line with you while you sob, talk to you, and/or offer to come to your house and watch some YouTube videos, you know you’ve found the people who truly have your back.
My friends don’t always say the things I want to hear. Still, they’re honest and that’s why they’re here. Friends are a great distraction. Don’t expect them to take your pain away, because unfortunately they don’t have that power, but when you start hanging out around them you will start giggling a little and then suddenly it dawns on you, “hey… I’m not crying, and I feel a little bit better.” Yes, that is exactly what friends are for. And the best thing about college is that your friends can sleep over without having to ask their parents, so you should plan tons and tons of sleepovers.
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Tip 4. Express your feelings (creatively!)
Sharing your feelings can help you sort them out. Whether you prefer to share your feelings by painting, writing, singing or simply talking, creative expression has a way of mending the pieces after a break-up. I wrote during the week my break-up happened and I wish I hadn’t stopped afterwards, because writing about how I was feeling and what I thinking allowed me to process things. For some people, focusing intensely on one single thing can help push the pain away. For others, it is harder to focus on something when you feel like your brain is scattered all over the place. If you are part of the latter category, take my advice and get a little creative. It might feel or look ridiculous, but great art has always been prefaced by deep emotions. You shouldn’t be limited by your level of training or expertise, especially if your art does you some good.
Tip 5. Remember that time will heal
Since my relationship ended, the break-up hurts less than it did in the first week, but I’m still vulnerable and struggling (though I no longer hate-glare at couples in the street, which I feel is a big achievement). I hate to have to say this, but time is on your side. Admitting this to yourself will make you feel the absolute worst, but you will only feel better after. There is no algorithm for how much time it will take you to get over someone, or even if you ever do. It’s just a question of how you feel, and when all’s said and done, you will always have the power to answer this question. In the end, you are the only one who can pick yourself up.
All in all, I wanted to take this opportunity to help anyone who is going through this moment of life for the first (or another) time. I also wanted to express how grateful I am to have the friends who have cared for me at my worst. You know who you are and for that, I thank you.
Photos retrieved from:
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/crisis.html#6cfPiARt1yMWYvAw.99
http://society6.com/adorman/He…
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http://society6.com/ChelseaDee…
http://www.thorrington.ac.nz/D…