As if dating wasn’t complicated enough in and of itself, it became even more complicated when I found myself to be the target of my roommate’s boy-drama. Long story short, her BFF is dating her ex-boyfriend, which, anyone would agree—is totally bitchy and wrong. The catch? She only dated him for 2 months, and she already knew her bestie had a thing for him before they dated. Realistically, these issues are never black and white, but where do we draw the line? Are your best friends’ ex boyfriends truly always off limits? In search of some kind of common ground, I interviewed a dozen friends from Europe, the United States, and Canada (yes, this advice is travel-proof), and compiled all my data into a convenient little guide book.
If you feel like you are on the fence, complete the following list of questions and add
up your total score to help you make your decision on whether or not to date your best
friend’s ex!
How close are you to your friend?
10- I’m not even sure what her name is
50- She’s in my circle of friend but we don’t hang out one on one
100- We’ve known each other since 1st grade and I know everything about her
This should truly be the most important factor in your decision. When it comes down to
it, most people agree that it’s “hoes before bros.” If you think that having a relationship with his or her ex will make things awkward between you two, then you might want to reconsider. Ask yourself if you truly value your friendship more than you care about this potential relationship. Do you want to risk losing that friend? Next, put yourself in your friend’s shoes and look at the situation. If you think he is the one and you are absolutely in love, explain to your friend how you feel, because a true friend wouldn’t want to stop you from being happy. If it isn’t true love, remember that relationships come and go, and it’s great to have a friend to stand by your side throughout it all.
How long has it been since their relationship ended?
10- It has been over a year and she is completely over him
50- She’s still in the process of getting over the breakup
100- Its been 3 minutes and counting…
Timing truly is key. You have to consider how fresh their breakup is, and whether your
bestie is still bitter about it. Make sure that your friend has absolutely no feelings left for
the ex. Time heals a broken heart, so the more of it the better! And even if you decide
to start dating her ex, out of respect for your friend, keep in on the DL and try not to
display too much affection—especially around your bestie. Most importantly, if it is a fresh breakup, do not talk to your friend about advice or the details of your new relationship, this will most likely just create angry and bitter feelings.
How serious was their relationship?
10- They hooked up once while playing spin the bottle at a party in middle school
50- They dated for a couple of months but it just never really worked out between them
100- I had to cancel the bachelorette party in Vegas
You have to consider how much your friend was invested in the past relationship.
This is a good rule of thumb to follow: The stronger they were committed, the more
emotions and feelings your bestie invested in this person, hence the more they will care.
If they were truly in love with this person, stay clear in order to avoid bitter feelings. It’s a good bet to just fight the urge; you will thank yourself later when you find yourself raging at a concert alongside your bestie.
Now add up your total score!
If your score is under 50: Green light!
You are likely in the clear to date your friend’s ex. After all, it’s not like you are randomly picking someone out of the earth’s population. The dating scene in college can be surprisingly limited, and it’s common that you end up dating a friend of a friend.
If your score is between 50-100: Yellow light!
This is when you have to ask yourself what you value more—your friend or the relationship. With this score, you are probably not close enough to your friend, or their past relationship wasn’t serious enough to cause bitter feelings between the two of you. If in doubt, play it on the safe side and have an open and honest conversation with your friend to explain the situation. Just remember—would you feel worse about potentially losing your friend or bypassing the relationship?
If your score is over 100: Red Light!
Don’t do it! Damaging a close relationship over a fling is really, really not worth it at this point. With a score over 100, the cons outweigh the pros. Look past the immediate situation and try to base your decision on how you would like the situation to play out. Put yourself in your best friend’s shoes to help you gain perspective.
Still undecided? Here is some advice straight from people who have experienced this
situation first hand!
“As much as the friend might not care, deep down it might feel uncomfortable for her
knowing that you are dating someone she used to love.”
“No, I would never do that to my friend, and honestly, I always put up a sort of front when I’m talking to a friend’s ex—as if they were my brother or something…”
“The whole thing turned weird/awkward because I was the common friend between
them, and we’d all hang out…”
“Hoes before bros” (and vice versa).
“I must admit I was shocked at first, because I would never have expected this from a
good friend…As time went by, I felt more and more angry not only towards her but also
toward him…“
“The one golden rule would be to talk with your friend before anything happens! If you start flirting with your friend’s ex, you should tell her something is going on. You dating her ex gives her the right to give her opinion before anything starts. She should be able to say how she feels freely before she’s trapped between her ex and her friend!”
“Try to talk to your friend before anything happens, not for permission but for support.”
“[Dating the ex] depends on many things, but mostly on what you are willing to
sacrifice.”
Best of Luck!