In the midst of the long and dark winter of 2020-’21, marked by quarantines, curfews, and fines, a feeling of loneliness bloomed within me and nestled deep, with no intention of leaving. While not necessarily a new experience, the utter lack of distraction and too much time spent in the confines of my student apartment gave it a stubborn quality that formed a chokehold over my thoughts and emotions like never before.
I know I am not alone in this – the pandemic created so much physical distance it was only natural for this to seep down and create cavities in our emotional bonds as well. I am also sure that I cannot be the only one met with the less than helpful response that I was whenever I tried to express this sentiment.
The most recent wave of internet feminism which promotes the girlboss type of ‘strong, independent woman’ seems to leave no room for expressing the desire for physical company, emotional support, partnership, etc. – much less love and romantic affection. “You don’t need a boyfriend/partner”, “you should be happy on your own”, and my personal favourite: “you should work on yourself!” became the new empty mantras thrown at me whenever I chose to confide my thoughts in someone.
“You just need time to be alone to work on yourself”, says a friend of mine who hasn’t been single for more than three consecutive months since the age of 15. Was this meant to be encouraging? I wasn’t quite sure. It seemed, instead, to breed an underlying conscious thought in the back of my mind: “What do I need to work on? What’s wrong with me?”
While I appreciate my friends’ sympathetic (though perhaps a touch tone-deaf) pieces of advice, I couldn’t find solace in these words. Much like Kat in that one scene in Euphoria, I felt that everywhere I looked the idea to “love myself” was being shoved down my throat, without any guidance on how to do so.
The concept of self-improvement is not inherently bad; in fact, I believe it is extremely beneficial to have time to reflect and grow as a person without a partner in your life. However, throwing the blanket statement of “working on oneself” on someone experiencing valid feelings of loneliness, or even worse, presenting it as a necessary step in order to find meaningful connection, can have its own share of damage. Phrases like “love yourself” or “work on yourself” are not only unproductive but come with the implication that there must be some key part of you that needs change in order for you to deserve love. This unhealthy cycle may be difficult to break and drives young and susceptible minds down a path of searching for constant self-improvement, rather than self-acceptance.
These thoughts come from the aftermath of my pandemic experience of “working on myself” to share that ironically, though not entirely unexpectedly, my largest period of self-growth arose when I wasn’t trying to change what I considered ‘bad’ aspects of my personality in order to achieve some ideal, dateable, self; rather, when I withdrew myself from this process entirely and focused on things that made me genuinely happy, not what I thought would be more pleasing for others.
The moral of this story is simply that regardless of what social media, your friends, or a self-help book you bought for $14.99 at Urban Outfitters says: it is normal to grieve an absence of romantic connection in your life, and there is no one quality or trait you can change about yourself in order to find a romantic partner. The process of “working on yourself” is not the start of a journey from A to Z in which you uproot your flaws to end up in a happily-ever-after. We are constantly evolving, regardless of relationship status, and the concept of tying the two together doesn’t lead to fulfilment so much as a constant scrutiny of your self-worth.
You can still love yourself and want to be loved, and if you choose to “work on yourself” make sure it is for YOURself!