Finding self-love in a notebook

I have been writing in a journal on and off since I was six years old. I have an archive of around 30 tattered notebooks and diaries of varying sizes sitting in my closet. I kept (and continue to keep) everything in these journals: Records of the day’s events, ideas for novels I’ll write some day, funny things my friends said and logs of my current emotional state.

When I first started keeping a journal (a fuzzy pink “Hello Kitty” diary), it was simply a fun way to write down what I did at school and what my friends and I did at sleepovers. Now, many years later, my journal usage has evolved to include so much more: creativity, self-exploration and mental health checks. 

My journal has become an indulgent, necessary tool for self-love. It fulfills this need in several ways:

1. It is as a place for open and honest self-discovery.

In Joan Didion’s famous essay, On Keeping a Notebook, she explores the purpose of a journal. She ultimately concludes it is a place to keep in touch with yourself: “remember what it was to be me: that is always the point.”

Like Didion, I too use my journal as a place to discover who I am at any given moment. By free-writing about anything in my brain, I get a snapshot of who I am when I write it. Likewise, when I go back and leaf through old journals from seventh grade, I get a snapshot of who I was then. It is a way to document my many selves.

Aside from just documenting my identity, journaling is a way to build on my identity. I use my notebook as a space to be honest with myself. (Let’s face it—I am a hundred times more honest when talking to my journal than my family or closest friends.) I have found ways to solve some of the biggest crises in my life by writing in a journal. My notebook is a place for me to talk freely about some of my biggest issues and flaws. Through writing them down, I can then begin to address them, organize them and work through them.

I think journaling promotes self-improvement because it forces one to be so vulnerable. It is akin to sitting in front of a mirror and talking to myself: I am the only one there to judge me, therefore I am way more willing to open up. In this respect, I use my journal to not only see who I am, but also to improve who I am.

2. It is a creative outlet.

As an artist and writer, I use notebooks to scribble down any ideas I have for passion projects. When creativity hits me, I like to have a place to document it before it slips away. Writing down an initial idea usually creates momentum in my brain, letting me come up with more and more ideas that branch off of the first. My journal is a great place for me to do some creative planning before I take on a large project.

Aside from being a planning space, many people don’t know your journal can be a creative project all in itself. Along with my main spiral-bound journal, I keep what’s called a “bullet journal.” (Look it up on any social media platform and you will be amazed.) 

For me, I do my “bullet journaling” in a small, dotted journal which I fill with colorful lists, diagrams and calendars. It is a sort of DIY planner/diary duo with abundant drawings and fancy lettering. What I like is that it’s completely customizable—everything in it is created by me. Creativity is a form of catharsis for me, so bullet journaling has become an integral part of my self-care routine.

3. It is a place to untangle thoughts and feelings.

I use journaling as a form of self-care in the same way some people use face masks or hot baths. After an emotionally taxing day, I pick up a pen and a notebook to do some de-stressing.

On days where I feel there are many thoughts swirling in my head, I turn to writing. I feel it is a place where I can “workshop” my feelings. 

In high school, my English teacher convinced me that writing was amazing because when we write, we uncover entirely new feelings and put them into words. I wholeheartedly agree with this statement; when I write for long enough in a journal, I uncover feelings I had no idea were inside me. Writing, even for ten minutes, becomes a process of digging up feelings below the surface like an emotional paleontologist.

Journaling is a fluid process that I never do the same way twice. When I sit down to write and draw a blank, I might start with a free-write. Let’s say, for instance, I am writing because I felt especially irritable that day. I write “How am I feeling today?” at the top of my page, draw a line under it, then write non-stop to answer that question for ten minutes. I may also start with a list; I jot down every event or person that irritated me that day. From there, I can repeat the process and free-write to explore my feelings towards those triggers.

Writing like that is an unmatchable cathartic experience. Metaphorically, it feels as though the tangled ball of thoughts in my brain is traveling from my head to my hand to the paper. I am someone who likes to fully understand and work through my problems—writing them out lets me do that.

I recommend everyone keeps some form of journal. It doesn’t have to be limited to a space for life events or emotions: it can be a space for anything. My brother, for instance, keeps a consistent and detailed dream journal. He writes down his dreams both for posterity’s sake as well as a way to track his identity and emotions. Your journal can be a creative outlet, a reflective space or a documentation of what life throws at you. 

For me, I can’t imagine living without a journal. The pile of spiral-bound papers in my closet reminds me of all the people I used to be.

Joan Didion put it best when she said “I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends.”

• Journal
• mclalife
• mental health
• notebook
• self-care
• self-love