Have you ever been in a situation where you don’t know how to tell people you don’t want to hang out? If you’re an introvert you may understand, you’re someone who tends to function best in small group settings and gains strength from time spent alone. I’m an introvert, and bonding with friends is very important to me, but after a full day of activity sometimes I need time to recharge my batteries and look inward.
It’s hard for extroverts to understand my preference for quiet or solitude. It is not a sign of rudeness, depression, or that I don’t like company. When I have quiet time I feel more in control of my mind and body because I have the space to process what’s going on in my life; space to reflect on the day and come down from any over-stimulation I’ve experienced.
There is a stigma in our society that introverts are aloof or refuse to participate. If you wish to stay an introvert you have to be a functioning introvert; someone who can adopt traits of the extroverted. It’s not hard because you already function, socialize and take care of yourself, just not in a way everyone can see.
“The Power of Introverts,” a Ted Talk by Susan Cain, explores life as an introvert. Cain talks about how her quiet and reserved nature often made others uncomfortable. Colleagues, friends, and family encouraged her to be more outgoing, assuming socializing would be fulfilling for her.
“[Introversion] is different from being shy…Introversion is more about how you respond to stimulation, including social stimulation,” Cain said in the Ted Talk. “So extroverts really crave large amounts of stimulation, whereas introverts feel at their most alive, and their most switched on, and their most capable when they’re in quieter, more low-key, environments.”
Listening to her experiences made me think about how difficult it is to justify what I need as an introvert. I often feel isolated when I see groups of people functioning well together, even when I’m happy on my own.
Fellow introverts, I invite you to share who you are and what you need. It’s good for you to share your preferences with others and help normalize the introvert’s experience. Here are tips to start a dialogue:
- Friend: “We’re going to see a movie and get food after, want to come?”
- Introvert: No thanks, I need some time to myself to recharge. Maybe we could go this weekend instead?
- Friend: I am so glad we hang out all the time, we should have a sleepover tonight!
- Introvert: I love hanging out with you too! If you don’t mind I’d rather be on my own tonight. I have work to do and I want some time to read my book and zone out online.
- While in a group of friends, you start to feel tired and suddenly you would rather be alone.
- Introvert: I am having so much fun but today has been so busy I need some time to myself. See you tomorrow?
Be honest about your needs! Others may feel the same way and follow your lead. Cain explained in an article for the Huffington post that—depending on the study you look at—one-third to one-half of Americans are introverts. If your friends don’t understand what you need as an introvert, it’s okay, it’s a learning opportunity for both of you. You, however, have to start the dialogue.
It’s important to test your skills in a social situation, like beginning a conversation you are comfortable with, and sharing your input when ready. Ask other people questions about their lives to break the ice, and remember details about them to bring up later to easily kick-start new discussions. It’s easy to have a conversation if you let someone talk about themselves. Feeling comfortable in group settings takes practice, even if the extroverts make it look easy.
Remember to ask yourself whether you have a preference for introspection or if you are experiencing social anxiety. Urban Dictionary defines an introvert as someone who is “energized by spending time alone”. Whereas social anxiety is “the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations,” according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. They are not the same. Introverts prefer time alone, they do not avoid social situations out of fear, though it is possible to be both introverted and have social anxiety.
We receive a message that being extroverted is the best and most normal way to act but of course this isn’t true. People think high energy is the default, but it’s not; you don’t need to fit in a box other people feel comfortable with. Knowing who you are as a person and knowing where your energy and power comes from, is a strength. Telling people what you need to do to be successful is not being mean, it’s courageous. Remember, it’s healthy to recharge your batteries in order to self-reflect and do your best work, but it is also rewarding to go out and invite new and compelling challenges into your life. At the end of the day congratulate yourself for all you accomplished, settle in, and do what you need to do to take on tomorrow. Often, getting out of bed is that hardest part of the day, but you can do it.