Recently I had a conversation with my sister about dating and breakups, and it got me wondering, are we ever really single? With the rise of dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, there are seemingly endless opportunities to find a relationship, casually date, or hook up with someone. Dating has become so complex nowadays that I truly question whether people actually take the time to be single and self-reflect. I always believed that you could be “single” while dating casually and having casual sexual relationships, but after that conversation with my sister, my perspective has changed.Â
Being single is not necessarily about having a significant other, but rather a whole experience and mentality. Being single is about uplifting yourself and growing as a person without needing someone else. So, can we truly say that we are single if we are also pursuing someone – whether that’s casually, sexually, or while in the talking stage of a potential relationship? There is nothing wrong with dating or getting back on the market after a breakup, but from personal experience I believe we sometimes feel the need to use dating apps and talk to or hook up with someone in order to feel special. And that’s fair, it’s nice to feel desirable and attractive. However, having this mentality that being alone is a bad thing can hurt us more than we realize.
The most important time to focus on ourselves is after a breakup. I’ve seen friends join dating apps immediately after the end of a relationship to distract themselves from their pain. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that because all they succeed in doing is pushing the pain away and convincing themselves that it no longer exists. The problem with this is that the pain may not be fully processed, and if it isn’t, then their past might resurface in their next relationship. Although breakups can be extremely difficult, they give us the gift of time – time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship and how we can grow from it. There’s no need to rush back into dating, especially if you are not ready for it. I understand why you might want to pursue someone new right after a breakup, but while it might give you a sense of validation, it takes away your time to heal and focus on yourself. It’s fine to seek comfort and pleasure in casual relationships if you are ready for that. However, if you know that you are hurt and still grieving a past relationship, I really hope that you consider being single. I want you to embrace it, learn to love yourself, and learn that being single can be great. Because how can you truly fix yourself if you’re busy focusing on someone else? And remember, being single doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sometimes it is the thing that can save us.Â
I’ve been single most of my life, and I am grateful for that because it allowed me to focus on myself. It prepared me for my first relationship, but it also allowed me to have an open-minded view on others’ relationships. Sometimes, when your friends ask you (the single person) for relationship advice, you have this advantage of being on the outside and detached from any feelings. It really allows you to see the relationship for what it is. Sometimes both people are ready for the relationship, and sometimes one or both parties involved are not completely over their ex. From my personal experience, I think that many people believe that they are ready for a new relationship, but as they get deeper into it, their past starts to re-appear and they realize how much is actually left to heal. This can prevent someone from loving their partner the way they should.Â
If you happen to be single right now (or sometime in the future), take this opportunity and give yourself the love you deserve. Surround yourself with people who love you and allow them to help you grow as a person. Give yourself time to find yourself again, to love yourself, and to heal. Learn who you are and what you want from love. External validation can be nice, but the ultimate goal in life is to find happiness on your own. And who knows? The next time you find a person worth giving your time to, it might be more fulfilling because of the time you gave yourself to grow into the wonderful person that you are.Â