Baby birds flee the nest once they learn to fly and feed themselves. Depending on the species of bird, some flee immediately, some after two to three weeks, and some even after eight to ten weeks. For me, I was ready to flee at 19 years old, leaving my parents’ nest empty.
My older brother had moved out for university five years prior, which meant that I was the only child living at home. When the time came for me to not only leave my home, but the whole country my parents live in, the guilt started to settle in. Why am I abandoning my parents? Who is going to take care of them? How come I get to experience a life studying abroad and pursuing new opportunities when they didn’t get the chance to? On top of that, there was the heartbreak of missing each other’s big milestones, accomplishments, birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and wondering how I was going to cope with that.
Throughout my life, my parents had always been supportive and encouraging of the journey I was about to embark on. They told me to fully embrace the journey and take advantage of it as much as I can; that they did not get the same opportunity, so it is my job to experience it to the fullest for them. Although I am forever grateful for the comfort and reassurance they give me, the guilt did not seem to pass. It was stubborn, refusing to leave.
When I had first moved, I would stray away from telling my parents about the fun things I was doing. Going out with friends, meeting new people, or going on day trips and adventures. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to share it with them, or that I was hiding it from them. It was merely because I felt guilty about enjoying my life without them. Oftentimes, I would even avoid enjoying myself or agreeing to plans because of the heavy feeling, that if my parents don’t get to enjoy this, why should I? I felt selfish.
A study by Baumeister et al suggests that “guilt comes from a personal sense of love and compassion towards others, and it’s a result of feeling responsible for harming something you value or hold worth in.”
Learning this, I came to understand that perhaps I was experiencing guilt because I believed that by leaving, I was harming the people I loved and valued most. By having the privilege to immerse myself in new countries, knowledge, and connections, I felt that I was taking away from their happiness. What I didn’t consider, though, was the pride and joy my parents felt for both my brother and me. More than anything, they were thankful and pleased with the opportunities we were given, and the opportunities they were able to give to us. My parents once told me how excited they were for us to go and live our lives; that ever since we were little, they had raised us to be independent, had prepared us to go out into the world alone, and to write our own story.
Of course, accepting this is easier said than done. If I’m being honest, I still feel those moments of guilt. However, taking the time to reflect on these feelings, acknowledging the realities of the situation, and even keeping in touch with my parents really helped me process everything. Recognizing that the guilt may have been holding me back, I decided to make the most of my journey away from home, and even share it with my parents, who live vicariously through me. Although being apart is bittersweet, it makes celebrating each other’s joys and accomplishments much more meaningful. I will forever be grateful for having the two biggest cheerleaders by my side, and even more grateful to be able to call them my parents. As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and sharing our separate lives with each other has allowed us to create an overall stronger connection and celebrate each other in our individual ways.
So, this is a reminder that the best thing you can do is make the most of your life, no matter where you are or who you’re with. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to take full advantage of the opportunities you were given, without feeling guilty about it!