Did I fake my way here? Am I worthy of this, and do I even belong here?
This week, I was sitting in the final lecture of my psychology class on the self and identity when my professor brought up the dreaded and terrifying, imposter syndrome. I’m sure we have all found ourselves in university, wondering how we got here. In a time of struggle, sadness, academic “failure”, or comparison, it is hard to not question your own efforts. For those of us who held the reputation of the “smart kid” in our high school, it is quite literally earth shattering to come to a university filled with thousands of people like you, who seem to be doing it better. You do your best to get involved, join clubs, be on teams, strive for high grades, get out and be social, but it seems like everyone else is one step ahead of you.
Within my first couple of months at university, I began to wonder if I was worthy to be here. While, yes, I had my moments where it seemed like I was doing great and beating the class average, or really getting out there in the school community, it didn’t feel like enough. Sometimes, it still doesn’t. It seems like there is always someone out there doing better and even when it is not plastered on Instagram stories or LinkedIn posts, my own imagination will convince me that this someone exists. I have found a way to believe that I got here by faking my way to this spot. When will I stop telling myself that my grades, my writing style, my skills, my motivation, my strength, and my grit are all fake? Or that all of my successes are rooted in pure luck? You just can’t fake certain things or get lucky with everything; even if you could, that’s impressive enough!
Sadly, this imposter syndrome doesn’t go away so easily. It gets to a point where you have to accept the reality: you and your neighbour can succeed simultaneously. One’s success does not take away from your own. No, the imposter syndrome we face does not come from a malicious intent, with the hopes that all others fail so we can succeed. It is the competitive environment and expectations that society and the overall phenomena of university have built up over decades. It is totally okay and normal to feel this way, but understand that if you are feeling this imposter syndrome, the same people you compare yourself to find themselves in the same situation, with the same dilemma. Maybe, just maybe, you are the one they are comparing themselves to!
I think in order to reimagine imposter syndrome and let go, you have to remind yourself of what you did in all the years leading up to the situation you are second-guessing now. It is about rethinking and being positive. Take the time in your busy schedule to appreciate the efforts you are putting into your work. Those small steps—starting your essay and write your introduction, or going to a ‘meet the professors’ event to just say hi to that one professor you remember from that one class—will begin to add up. Instead of sweating the small stuff, acknowledge it. If you are more aware of your past accomplishments, you will focus more on the greatness you proved you can do.When those fantastic opportunities show up at your door, it will be less of this juggling of whether you are deserving and did enough to get here, or not. If you can recognise that you did a small thing well and treat that as a victory, beginning to see that as one of your strengths, the big stuff will start to feel less far away, and when they come, they will not be as surprising.
Cheesy–yeah, yeah–but every step you do not take out of fear that someone out there is going to do it better than you takes you ten steps away from your goal. We all know that practice makes perfect so even if you try something and do not succeed, you will always carry that experience with you. Do not see an unsuccessful attempt as the end of your days trying, or treat it as your destiny, but embrace your mistakes.
This will be a long, unsteady road of trying to get to a place where you can accept that you’re on the right path and what needs you, will find you, but there’s no harm in starting today. You have put in so much work, lost so much sleep, skipped out on so many plans, and you DO have a lot to show for it. It’s okay to breathe and let yourself live. If you get to the end of your life and all that you have convinced yourself is that you are not worthy of what you have achieved, what was it all for? Who is going to care, other than yourself, about your achievements, if it is not you accepting that they are yours and yours for a reason?