Maybe you’ve had a roommate before, perhaps a sibling, cousin, or friend. But having experience in the realm of roommates doesn’t prepare you for dorm life for one simple reason: you’re (more than likely) rooming with a complete stranger. Before starting college, I heard horror stories from family, friends, and teachers about their awful experiences with roommates. Thieves, inconsiderate jerks, and just all-out weirdos were the antagonists of their tales. I’ll admit these stories made me nervous about whom I would be sharing the same 11 x 13 space with from August to May (it’s like living in a shoe box…only smaller). However, I was rather lucky with my random roommate. Caris and I are still friends to this day and I love her to death; I thought we made pretty great roommates (Caris, if you’re reading this, I hope you agree…because it’s just awkward if you don’t…). So if you’re nervous about your new roommate, don’t fret! I’m here to share my freshman roommate experience, give some helpful tips, and highlight some important things to keep in mind.
First Impressions Aren’t Everything
The well-known saying “first impressions count” have been engrained into us from a very young age, calling us to base our opinions of a person from the very first moment we meet them. However, when meeting your roommate for the first time, don’t rely too heavily on your first impression of them. The average freshman meets their roommate face-to-face on move-in day, a stressful, event-filled, emotional day for most. Keep in mind that it’s not only you who is making a huge life change that day, but everyone there. If your roommate is yelling, crying, or busily flitting around in confusion, don’t automatically think that’s how they will be every day. The same concept goes for any type of first impression your roommate gives, including a good one. Don’t be surprised when the polite, respectable-looking person you met turns out to be the opposite. You’re going to live with this person. Anyone can put on a happy face when they introduce themself. Anyone can act appropriately in public. But, you’re not just going to see them around everyone else. Other people they interact with might not know they are a neurotic, annoying neat-freak or how easily they can become stressed, but you will.
And definitely don’t judge them off of their Facebook page. The second I received my email containing the name of my roommate, I turned to Facebook to find out all I could. Caris’ profile was private, so I couldn’t see much. All I discovered was that her only music interest was Taylor Swift (not my favorite artist) and that she worked at a fitness place (I love food and hate working out). However, after actually getting to know Caris, I found out she actually has great music tastes and was definitely not one of the judgmental nutritionist types. All my worrying was for naught.
Remember, you’re sharing
We all have weird quirks. We all have our routines. We all have our likes and dislikes. But, whether we like it or not, our roommate may not approve of the things we enjoy doing, and we won’t like some of the things they do either; that’s just life. It could happen that you’ll get a roommate who has daily routines that work well with your own, or similar quirks that you can both bond over (Caris and I like to talk to each other in weird voices…it’s pretty great), but that sort of thing doesn’t usually happen. Instead of hoping for the best, be prepared to tolerate the worst. But, also, understand that your roommate is going to have to put up with you as well. You’re going to share a room with someone else. Maybe you like to sleep with the TV blaring, or just sit around and air dry after a shower, or like to get ready in the morning listening to music, and your roommate is the exact opposite. Because your room is no longer just your room, you can’t expect to do whatever you want whenever you want; neither should your roommate.
Be Willing to Make Sacrifices
Making sacrifices goes hand in hand with sharing. Since you’re sharing your room, you’re going to have to make sacrifices. It can’t just be about what you want all the time, nor should it be the same for your roommate. Let’s say your roommate has an 8:00 AM class and your first class starts at 11:00 AM (yes, this happened to Caris and I). Because Caris would have to wake up really early, she would go to bed long before I was ready to hit the hay. However, we figured out ways to work around this little schedule mishap by sacrificing. I would try my best to be noiseless, meaning no music, TV, phone calls, or unnecessary rustling. Caris would wear a bandana around her eyes for a make-shift sleep mask so I could keep a small lamp on to finish homework. Not only did we have to work out an agreement for our bedtime routine, but also our morning routine. Caris liked to listen to music when getting ready for the day, but she sacrificed her love of morning music so I could sleep peacefully and would also try her best to get ready with as little light as possible.
Nevertheless, not all sacrifices will be as big as changing up your daily routine. For example, one thing Caris and I definitely didn’t agree on was room temperature. I get hot easily, so I like it really cold; Caris likes it a little on the warm side (or, too warm for me, at least). So, when Caris wasn’t in the room, I would blast the cold air and turn our room into an icebox, just the way I like it. But, when Caris would come back and ask to turn up the thermostat, I wouldn’t object; it would have been selfish to do otherwise.
Though it may make you grumble and complain a little, it is way better to get along with your roommate than to have everything your way.
Always Ask, Don’t Assume
If you’re not sure if something will be okay with your roommate, don’t do it. It’s definitely better to have your roommates consent to do something, even if it’s something as small as turning down the thermostat. If you want to bring friends over, ask. If you need to use the mirror to get ready but you’re not positive if you’re roommate is done using it, ask. If you want to read your notes out loud because it helps you study better, ask. You get the picture. If you just do instead of making sure it’s okay first, it’s more than likely the things you do will get on your roommates nerves. While you may not consider something a big deal, whatever you just automatically do could eventually set your roommate over the edge. It’s the little things that can start grudges. A good rule for not only roommates, but life in general, is to never assume. Perhaps you and your roommate share a lot of things: food, clothes, movies, etc. So, you think it’s automatically okay to borrow their makeup without asking, and then it turns out your roommate really doesn’t like other people using their makeup, which would cause unnecessary conflict.
Conversely, it’s okay to say no. If your roommate wants to know if something is okay and it isn’t, tell them. It doesn’t make you a mean or bad person to tell someone no (a lesson I had to learn the hard way). If you’re roommate is being kind enough to ask, be kind enough to give them the honest answer.
Speak Up
Okay, so, maybe you’ve tried your best to be open-minded and tolerant of your roommate. You’ve always been considerate, but your roommate hasn’t been. Not many people actually like confrontation, but sometimes, it’s necessary. If your roommate is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, talk to them about it. Countless times freshman year, someone would complain about their roommate, not just to their friends, but anyone who would listen. Fight the urge to talk about your roommate issues with everyone else. The easiest way to get past a problem is to talk to the person you’re having the problem with. However, no matter how upset with your roommate you may be, try to talk to them in a constructive manner. Just telling someone how much they irritate you isn’t the best thing for relationship building. Seriously sit down with them, explain to them how you’re feeling, but don’t attack them. Your roommate probably has no idea you’re feeling the way you do; they aren’t mind readers. If you feel that your roommate problem is too much to handle and would not be solved by simple conversation, talk about it with your Resident Advisor; they’re there to not only enforce the rules, but to help you.
You Don’t Have to Be Best Friends with Your Roommate
The only thing you absolutely have to be with your roommate is, well, a roommate. To be a good roommate, all you need to do is be courteous, that’s it. You don’t have to invite them to hang out with you or check up on them. Although it would be ideal to be great friends with your roommate, that’s generally not how it goes, and that’s okay. One of my really good friends (let’s call her Allison, for the sake of anonymity) had a roommate freshman year that was definitely less than friendly. If they saw each other around campus, her roommate wouldn’t even take a second glance, let alone wave back at Allison, who at first tried her best to be cordial. But, Allison soon realized her roommate wasn’t interested in being friends, and she didn’t let it bother her. Though her roommate wasn’t the nicest, she was an adequate person to live with for a year. She wasn’t outright mean or disrespectful to Allison, nor did she make her feel uncomfortable in the room (besides the not talking part). There was no reason to get upset and request a room change; they learned to live together.
I can’t stress this enough: not being besties with your roommate isn’t a good enough reason to switch rooms. In the ‘real world’ (whatever that actually is), you’re going to have to interact with people that you don’t like on a daily basis. Tolerating a roommate is good practice; stick out the year together and learn from your experience.
However, if you have a serious roommate problem, room changes do occur mid-semester. But keep in mind, if you aren’t happy in your room, you are the one who has to leave, not your roommate. I highly recommend talking with your RA about the problems you’re experiencing before doing anything drastic. For example, if your roommate is anything like the video below on a daily basis (not in the context of a hilarious video), you should definitely look into switching rooms.