How to Bake a Break-Up Cake

Today, you will learn how to bake a break-up cake. What is a break-up cake?, you ask. It is a soft, sweet dessert for those who have split from their partner and need a coping mechanism as well as a sugary treat to prevent them from succumbing to their self-destructive tendencies. Though it only results in a temporary satisfaction, the process serves as a beneficial therapeutic experience. It takes less than an hour to prepare and cook and is perfect for a messy, dramatic break-up.

The ingredients you will need are one cup of white sugar, half a cup of butter, two eggs, two teaspoons of vanilla extract, one and a half cups of all-purpose flour, one and three-fourths teaspoons of baking powder, a half of a cup of milk, and your tears and resentment. No other people are necessary. You should complete this recipe on your own.

You are going to begin by moving your ass out of your bed and going to the kitchen. Even though you haven’t eaten in three days, it is imperative that you muster up the strength and will to complete this recipe. Your well-being depends on it. Once in the kitchen, you will gather your ingredients along with a 9×9-inch oven pan, a medium bowl, whisk, a spoon, a pair of oven mitts and your phone.

First, preheat your oven to 350 degrees fahrenheit. If you forget how to preheat your oven because of the grogginess related to sleeping for thirty-six hours straight, fear not. Google is a wonderful thing. Upon using your phone to remind yourself how to preheat your oven, refrain from stalking your ex’s Instagram or looking through old text messages. Stay on task.

Next, mix the sugar and butter together in a medium bowl with the spoon. No, not the whisk. The spoon. As you are stirring, the rhythm of your movements may trigger the memory of a song. You and your partner’s song from the first night you met or the first time you danced together. This is normal. Hum the song out of your system. At this point, you may start to see your mixture becoming watery from the tears falling into the bowl. It’s okay to cry. That’s when you know when to beat in the eggs. One at a time, use the whisk to add each egg. Have no tears left to cry? Not a problem. Work your emotions into your whisking. Beat the eggs as if they were your ex. Scramble them into a pile of goo.

Now it’s time to stir in baking powder and flour. Your arm is probably getting tired. Keep going. This is when you sprinkle some resentment into the batter and perhaps some last minute fuck yous for added flavor. Your mixture should be pretty smooth by now. Maybe too smooth. That’s okay though, because the perfect break-up cake is actually not so perfect after all. Like your ex, it is often bland and will disappoint you.

Your oven should be preheated by this time. Place the batter into the pan evenly and put it in the oven to cook for thirty-five minutes. In the meantime, grab that phone and unfollow them. Block their number. Delete those text messages. Remove their mother’s contact number. Do whatever it takes to erase them. Just don’t – for real – don’t download Tinder. Okay, realistically this does not take very long, so have one good last cry. Cry until your hands are trembling and snot is oozing from your nose. Cry until you hear the fire alarm beeping from the burnt cake you put in the oven over an hour ago. 

Proceed to take out the burnt cake with the oven mits. It might look black on the outside, but cut into it anyway. It can’t be that bad. See? The middle looks semi-normal. After letting it sit for five minutes, dig in. Who needs a plate? This specific cake should be consumed all at once anyway and is usually accompanied by an alcohol beverage of your choice. You know what? Fuck the utensils, too. Go crazy.

That is how you bake a break-up cake.