Recently, I’ve been relating a lot to a song I’ve been listening to by Lewis Capaldi- “How I’m Feeling Now.” I feel that this song connects a lot with my college experience.
“Suppose I thought that, by this moment, I would have it figured out
But, instead, I tend to spend my days consumed by seeds of doubt”
Capaldi, Lewis. “How I’m Feeling Now” Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent. Track 12.
Graduation is always pictured as this big thing that everyone counts the days to. We hear about senioritis and the senior slump that “everyone goes through”. We see our friends posting about the amazing time they had the past 4 years and how excited they are to start this new dream job. We see the beautiful senior photos posted and watch as our friends radiate happiness through a screen. We have family, friends, and even strangers asking us what we are going to do after graduation. The obvious answer is easy: get a job and become a real adult. The reality is I have no idea.
“Thought I’d be happier somehow
If you were wonderin’ how I’m feelin’ now”
Capaldi, Lewis. “How I’m Feeling Now” Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent. Track 12.
As I am 8 days away from graduating college, I’m not feeling like I thought I would. Everyone around me is excited– both for me and for themselves if they are graduating too. Instead, I feel happy to be graduating, but sad to be leaving such a big part of my life behind. There was so much I wanted to do by now that I didn’t get done. I never made close friends in college. I never attended a fraternity party. I didn’t get the TV college experience that I see my friends experiencing around me.
“So here’s to my beautiful life
That seems to leave me so unsatisfied”
Capaldi, Lewis. “How I’m Feeling Now” Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent. Track 12.
Looking back on my college journey, and my journey of my education in general, it was great. I got to travel to Canada, France, and Morocco on school trips. I got to be part of an amazing club at my University (HerCampus obviously), I got to meet the love of my life, and I got to learn so much about myself as I moved 1000 miles away from home only to realize how much I love my hometown. All of these things are great, but there is still a part of me that feels that I am missing out. While I can tell myself I’m not, and while I can read all of the great things I did above, I still feel like a piece of my life is missing.
“I try to tell myself my best days are the ones that lie ahead
But I’m always lookin’ back on things I wish I’d never said”
Capaldi, Lewis. “How I’m Feeling Now” Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent. Track 12.
I don’t remember a lot of my senior year of high school, but let me just tell you, it was not one anyone would wish for. From my first day of senior year to my last day it was a race to the finish. My senior year of college has been 2000x better, and yet there’s so much that I wish I could redo. I’m constantly looking back and wishing I had participated more or gotten more out of my shell to get involved and make memories. I know that I can’t change the past and should focus on my future, but it’s hard when everyone reviews their year as the school year ends.
“I won’t lie, I’m a mess, yeah
But I’ll get there”
While most people arrive at graduation looking prepped and ready to go into the world, I feel as though I’m going to arrive on that stage covered in my blood, sweat, and tears with bags under my eyes. In the past week alone I have written over 150 pages of papers for my final projects and have made 3 different powerpoints to present. I have memorized speeches and quotes to use in front of my classes while working on cleaning my house for a graduation party, and planning what I’m going to do for work this summer.
All of this might sound a bit overwhelming, but the point of this article is that while I am graduating, graduation isn’t always a pretty image. Nobody ever showed me this, so it was quite a shock to me.
I know that I wouldn’t change the big things that have happened over the past four years, but it’s hard to look back and not regret anything. My main goal now is to keep my head up and look to the future. I have my whole life ahead of me to make new choices and love myself the way I deserve to be loved.
Signing off for the last time,
Charlotte