Learning Self Love

As a woman, I was told many things growing up that painfully ring in my ears to this day.

“Stand up straight,” I can’t my spine is curved this way. 

“Don’t sit like that, boys can see,” I’m in my own house.

“If you lose some weight you would look great in that dress,” the dress is my size. 

The problem is that of all the things I was told growing up, one theme was never present: love myself. I was told to love my heritage and who I am as well as to be proud of the way I live. I am fortunate to have what I have and to live how I do. I was scared to go through college wondering how I would afford it, yet here I am with only a year left. I don’t like to buy expensive or unnecessary things because I worry I won’t have money when I have enough either way. I watched what I ate and sometimes went without eating in order to keep my figure the way it was and not gain weight. 

Yet here I am at 20 weighing the most I have ever in my life. I have the most stretch marks I have ever seen on my body. My rolls and undefined butt are things I look at every day in the mirror when I get out of bed. Some days I look at myself and I cry. Other days I look and I say “damn I look good.” That is the truth. I do look good. Not even good, I look fantastic. As much as my body is not the one my mom wants to a man wants, it is a healthy body. I am healthy. Sure my blood pressure is a little high, but if you had the year I had, yours would be too. When I scan my body in the mirror, my hands run along my curves and I squeeze my fat wishing it would go away. I often wish that I could go back to when I thought I was “fat” because I was much smaller then, about 2 years ago even though I was still considered “bigger”. I would’ve been a size 12ish at 17 and would be asked if I was going to have a salad with dinner. I always replied yes. Not because I needed a salad to be healthy, but because I love eating salad. I love fruits and vegetables! I would take that over some chips and salsa every day. The same people who always told me to have a salad are the same people who told me to stop eating all the celery from the veggie trays at parties. 

I am healthy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make improvements. I’m getting older and I’ve noticed there are still changes in my body that are happening. Because of these changes, I decided to get proactive. I began hitting the gym and really eating better. Because I live off campus and not at home or in a dorm, I have to shop for myself now. As much as I like to get fresh vegetables, frozen ones save space and can be used much longer. I like to enjoy fruits fresh, but frozen fruits or even canned fruits can be used for smoothies or snacks on the go. My favorite fruit is blueberries and I will snack on frozen blueberries all day. I also love corn and green beans and they make a perfect healthy side dish. Since I’ve been more conscious of my eating, I’m following new rules. Half a plate of vegetables, a quarter protein, and a quarter carbs are good ratios. The food pyramid we learned in school is not important for a grown adult.

Along with a better diet, I am going to the gym or working out at home. When I hit the treadmill and I can feel my feet pounding, nothing makes me feel more powerful. It was difficult at first because I had tendonitis and didn’t know that was why it hurt for me to run. But after learning stretches and getting a light brace, I was back in action. I feel proud that I can hit the speeds I was running when I was 18. I felt youthful and productive. When sweat dripped down my face or chest I felt accomplished. I looked at myself many times covered in sweat and I said to myself “I’m proud of you”. I am doing the things I never thought I would want to do. 

When I stand in that mirror and say “I’m proud of you,” it is the me in that moment. Outside of that moment, there are times where I see myself and I don’t feel proud. I doubt myself and my attractiveness. I get annoyed because the weight isn’t coming off faster. I wonder if anyone finds me beautiful or sexy. The truth is, none of that matters. No person needs to be the one to tell me I’m beautiful or sexy or smart. I know that I am a boss babe. I am a gorgeous human being with incredible style, brains and more qualities. I am lovable but most importantly, I am learning to love myself, and you should too. It is a hard process to become confident in yourself and love your true self. For me the first step was to accept my intelligence. I had to accept that I was smart and I don’t feel bothered by being smarter than some people or getting a formal education. It is a privilege for me to learn and pursue higher education. The second step was for me to become familiar with my body. I did this in more personal ways. Third and fourth are to get comfortable with my body and mind. I am helping my mind by going to therapy and getting help with my anxiety, intrusive thoughts and depression. It has helped me already so much. Getting comfortable with my body is the biggest challenge and it by no means will be over soon. 

Every curve, bump, and lump on my body is a part of me. I can’t cut it out of me or suck it away. It is here and slowly it will change. Until that change happens, I have to learn acceptance from my flaws. I think of myself as a painting. I can paint the picture I want the world to see, but underneath a layer may be a mistake or a blip. It is part of the whole picture and is permanently there. Not everything that happens to me is so personal. There are things I take too much to heart even though they aren’t a big deal. 

Now why did I bother blabbing on and on about my personal habits and insecurities? Because I know that you have them too. There is no person alive who doesn’t have an insecurity. We all are just humans trying to figure themselves out. The best way I can say to help you is that you have to understand that you were built this way. Your body and personality are a one in a billion chance mixture from your parents DNA. Yes, you can change your body, but it will always be a part of you that you will need to love and take care of. Your mind and body are living beings as well as your heart and they need to be taken care of. When your mind is sick, take care of it. When your body is sick, take care of it. When your heart is sick, take care of it. It is crucial to remember that you are beautiful in every way, male or female or non-binary or anything else. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and is a part of you. As you grow older, you will also notice changes in your body. It is important to remember to love yourself no matter what.

I want to have a crush on me. With time, I will fully love and accept myself.

HCXO, Cecilia