Understanding BPD Through Poetry

In my previous article, I opened up about my struggle with being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This disorder, like many other personality disorders, is very difficult to understand and explain. Unfortunately, there are many stigmas that follow having a personality disorder. This stigma is even carried by some mental health experts/practitioners. Many think that the disorder is all that the person is, and although having a personality disorder is a big part of someone’s life, it is definitely NOT all that the person is. I am so much more than having BPD. I am a college student, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a writer, a poet, a network marketer, a hard worker, a dreamer, and more.

Many people struggle with the urges, emotions, and thoughts that go along with having BPD, and it is hard for them to explain it to someone else in a way that another person may understand. Even the best explanation can not help another without BPD truly understand what it is like.

Last January, I published a poetry book symbolizing my battles and my growth, and in some of the poems, I am expressing how it feels to have BPD and deal with its symptoms. Like I have said, I do realize that it is difficult to explain having BPD, but using symbolism and poetry is the best way that I can convey what is going on in my mind. I will display some of them in this article in hopes that it will open some minds, create some understanding, and dispose of some of the stigmas.

Page 39:

I break my head off you

I splatter all over your walls

I am a boring contradiction

Of someone who claims can love you

Then goes running when you come close

Page 93:

He alleviates his hand for just a moment

And she goes running

He looks away for just a moment

And she cowers away into the dark

She cannot keep a steady feeling of being loved

She is broken and scared

And causes chaos

Her own chaos in her own mind

Page 97:

I’m sorry I make things so hard on you

Believe me,

It is harder on myself

My head won’t ever shut up

And it is so, so loud

Page 99:

You opened me up to view my insides

You have seen every single part of me

“Vulnerable” doesn’t begin to cut it

Something that is a small breach to you

Is a gaping hole to me

I was ‘hesitantly’ willing to give myself to you

But I’m sorry, love, if I feel one prick in the wrong place,

I am fleeing

If you are to harm me while I am opened up like this

I will never be able to “be” again.

Page 101:

I’m sorry that I want to be sweet like sugar

But I put a sour taste in your mouth

As I swear up and down that I don’t feel for you

When I love you more than my body can handle

Page 103:

The fact that I envision our demise is not a good thing, baby

It is constantly in the back of my mind

Ready for when something even remotely wrong starts to play out

I can toss it out and spit it in your face like venom

And I will

Page 110:

My mind is tearing me apart

It will be the death of me

I’m driving myself absolutely crazy

And I don’t know how to fix it

I’m trapped inside myself

And watching myself do things that are involuntary

I want to harm you when I wish to do no such thing

I’m a prisoner to my mind

It makes my heart beat out of control

When there is nothing to fear

And the smallest things can make me run

It plays back everything that has hurt me

Only to make me hurt all over again

Like it is the very first time

To set me on fire

To drown me in pain

I am exhausted, and I am drifting

But it does not stop

Page 111:

I can’t help it

I can’t help that your touch feels

Like flower petals softly brushing against my cheek

But it also feels

Like metal nails scraping against my skin

I can’t help it

I can’t help that I want to dart into your arms

But at the same time, I want to cower away from you and escape

I can’t help it

I can’t help that you settle my mind

Yet you shoot me it into a storm I can’t calm

I can’t help it

I can’t help that I want you to hold me and never let me go

Yet I want to push you off me and run

I can’t help it

I can’t help that you make my heart race

And you still break my chest

I can’t help it

I can’t help that you’re my safe spot

Yet you frighten every bone in my body

I can’t help it

I can’t help that I’m indescribably in love with you

And I still can’t open all the way up to you

I can’t help it, and it hurts my head

I can’t help it, and it exhausts me

I can’t help it, and it is killing me

I can’t help that I am this way

And it is not your fault either, my love

But with your help and care

Maybe someday I can help it

There are more poems in my book about my BPD, but I selected a few that were shorter and that I thought would be useful in expressing myself. I have been diagnosed with BPD since I was 18. There have been several obstacles and very hard times with having to manage, come to terms with, and get to know this part of me. Now at 20, I have been able to grow even more and understand myself even better. That is what I have always hoped for upon receiving this diagnosis. Of course, I still have a lot of room to grow and manage, but I have come such a long way and I am proud of myself.

If you or anyone else needs to talk to someone or if you have any questions about BPD, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I will give you any help that I can.

If interested, this book can be purchased on Amazon or eKindle. 

HXCO, Kasidy

• author
• autobiography
• borderline personality disorder
• bpd
• depression
• mental health
• poetry
• story
• writing