If Columbia Bars Were High School Students

Living in Columbia for the past three years, I’ve started to see some similarities with some of Como’s best bars and some of the kids I went to high school with. Confused? Read on and I guarantee you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about:

The Field House:”Future Frat Boy”

Field House is that kid in high school that was born wearing Sperry’s and rocking the khakis with a Natty in his hand. Essentially, he was the legacy who was “too frat” but couldn’t get it through his head that even though his fake said he was 22, he looked much closer to 16.

The Penguin (Piano Bar): “The Rich Kid. AKA the One Who Threw all the Parties”

You know that older kid in high school who was insanely rich and threw all the parties? He (or she) went to private school until transferring to your high school. You were in awe that they had both a pool and a hot tub. These parties are where the elite seniors were always spotted.

Piano is considered one of the “elitist” bars in Columbia. They don’t let just anyone in. Good luck getting an exclusive invite in unless you’re 21, or in with the rich kids.

Bengal’s Bar and Grill: “The Cheerleader”

Oh Bengals, how I remember the days of freshman year. Bengals is that girl in high school who was down to drink and spent most of high school intoxicated at whatever party she could get an invite to. She was usually on the cheerleading (or dance team) and surrounded herself with girls just like her. To go further in depth, as coined by How I Met Your Mother, Bengals is the classic “Woo Girl.”

Tropical Liqueurs (Trops): “The Guy who Flew Under the Radar”

Trops is the smart kid in high school that was really cool but always flew under the radar. He had access to alcohol and whatever else you wanted, but you never knew how. He’s also the guy at the party who mixes a bunch of stuff together to create a magical concoction that manages to get everyone blacked out. He can sneak you into parties and snag a fake for you before you leave for college, but don’t cross him and don’t try and outsmart him. If you’re too young, back off. You’ll end up on his “wall of fame.”

Harpo’s Bar and Grill: “The Jock”

I’m tempted to say Harpo’s is just the kid who gets along with everyone, but it wouldn’t be what it is without the jocks. When I say jocks, I’m talking about the former football boys that “were going to play D1” but decided not to because they wanted to “focus on school.” Harpo’s is the pair of sports bros who root for opposing teams, spend their nights drinking beer with their best friends and occasionally get into a fist fight or two over KC vs. STL. This is a phenomenal sports bar to go to, but levels are high and things can get a little too intense once you start talking about state borders. 

10 Below: “The Hot Mess”

This one’s easy. Hang out with him and you won’t have any idea what kind of trouble you got in the night before. Harpo’s little brother got sick of living in his older sibling’s shadow, so this is his way of lashing out. He’s the kid who doesn’t have a clue about what he’s doing with his life and tries not to care. He’s out to have a good time, and if that means puking outside of his house before coming home three hours after curfew, he’s going to drag you along with him. Before you get involved, just know you were warned.

Campus Bar and Grill (Big 12): “The Normal Kid”

Big 12 is both a girl and a boy. This is the kid who was raised to be normal, has a solid group of friends, and occasionally gets too drunk at the few high school parties he/she attends. This kid is friendly, looks forward to college and never turns down a free burger. His/her weakness? Five dollar trays.

Roxy’s: “The Drama Club”

Roxy’s is that group that was always into theater. Kind of cool, underrated, mysterious and quiet until the weekend hit. They go to poetry slams and write haikus but they’re serious when it comes to a good time. It’s not until senior year that you realize the drama kids were having a lot more fun than you, and suddenly, everyone’s in line to hang out with them. 

Eastside Tavern: “The Hipster”

Eastside is the hummus and random band loving kid in the skinny jeans. No one really knows about him: he’s a fly on the wall. This kid’s quirky and knows a thing or two about craft beers. This kid hangs out with the drama kids during the week, but sticks to the low key grunge crowd on the weekends. I am guilty for loving Eastside. Basically this was me in high school, convinced that I was a mix of grunge and the drama club.

itap: “The Cultured Kid” 

This is the kid that’s already traveled all of Europe and South America on vacations with his parents. He plans on spending the summer after high school studying abroad in some remote country, learning the language and immersing himself in the culture. He’s tasted every Belgian beer there is to know and has countless pictures of him on top of mountaintops. He carries his passport around with him and is sickenly good at trivia. He’s in model UN and mock trial, and is so cultured it’s almost intimidating.