In this post-Twilight era we live in, I would totally know if my boyfriend was a vampire. Between years of watching The Vampire Diaries, The Originals, countless vampire movies, and the iconic Twilight Saga, I would say my knowledge extends well into expert territory. If you’re in a loving relationship and starting to have a few concerns, I’m here to help. To speed up the process and keep you from the inevitable Google search that will involve you in your dark bedroom reading through ancient archives as you piece together your new horrifying reality, this list is your quick guide to determining whether it’s love or bloodlust.
1. He’s the new kid.
If you’re dating someone who showed up to your school mid-semester, there’s a 50/50 chance he’s a vampire. If he’s a new coworker and has very little to say about his old job, it’s time to be skeptical. If he’s “new in town” and is vague about his past, that’s a red flag for sure.
2. He’s too sexy to be human.
Seriously, if your boyfriend is the hottest guy in the room everywhere he goes, he’s absolutely a vampire. Have you ever seen an unattractive vampire? No? Thought so.
3. He has some crazy eyes.
Now the specifics of vampirism tend to get tossed around a bit between movies and TV shows. However, if there’s something freaky going on, you need to stare deeply into your boyfriend’s eyes as often as possible and take note. Red? Vampire. Black? Vampire. Any color not humanly possible? Vampire.
4. You often reflect on how lucky you are to have such a wise and mature bf.
Those don’t occur in nature until they’re at least 25. If you think your man is the exception, he’s actually 150 years old and fought in the Civil War.
5. He’s a history buff.
Nobody actually knows the specific date of obscure historical events unless they have a PhD in History or they were actually alive at the time.
6. He wears minimal clothing and definitely doesn’t own a winter coat.
He feels totally fine being in any and all types of weather wearing absolutely nothing. After all, he can’t die from hypothermia because he’s already dead. Whatever you do, don’t let his shirtlessness distract you from the truth.
7. He’s way too good at sports.
If your guy is the star of the football team in a big way and his coach has said he’s “the best we’ve seen in years”, he’s totally a vampire.
8. He gets a little weird about his birthday.
He wants to keep his birthday “low-key” for the second year in a row? That’s weird, but understandable because he’s a million years old and, after all, age is a touchy subject.
9. He’s mysterious AF.
So you snagged the loner and now you’re realizing he really won’t open up to you—surprise, surprise. He’s not trying to keep up his bad boy reputation, he’s trying not to blow his cover. What’s a hot vampire boyfriend without a little secrecy?
10. He doesn’t text you back.
Maybe don’t turn your read receipts on when you’re off hunting?
11. You’ve never seen him get hurt.
No bruises, no paper cuts, no bandaids at his place, nothing. The guy isn’t even the slightest bit clumsy—not fair and not plausible. He definitely has some magical healing abilities.
12. He has no love for sunny days.
He always shuts down your idea to take a trip to the beach. Deep down you know the sunlight will kill him and that would not make for a sexy vacation so you agree to go camping instead since he loves the woods.Â
13. You live in the middle of nowhere, yet people seem to die all the time.
NEWSFLASH—your bf is eating them, obviously.
Now that you know the status of your boyfriend’s humanity, you’ve got a decision to make. Stay with a soulless monster because honestly that’s hot and you don’t care what anyone says, Twilight was a masterpiece. Or you break up with him and he may or may not kill you out of spite. Ladies never forget, vampire boyfriend or not, make sure you’re the one doing the most slaying in your relationships.