It could happen anywhere. Anytime. One minute I’m fine, and the next it attacks.
I didn’t always feel this way. Or maybe I did and I just didn’t know it. But as I get older, my anxiety becomes more and more a part of me. I can feel it in a coffee shop, in a train station, at school, at the gym, even in my own bed. My mind switches to panic mode and I can’t control my own thoughts or breath.
This is not something I usually open up about. I think when you really get to know me, you can see it. I just care so much. Sometimes I think that’s where it all stems from. I guess it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not exactly good, either.
I always feel like the outcast. The one that cares too much. The one that doesn’t completely let loose when she’s out in a big crowd. The one who enjoys the comfort of her own home rather than being the one who finds comfort in a bottle of liquor. I’m sure they look at me as the “loser”, the one who you don’t even bother inviting out because you know I’m not the life of the party. But I won’t apologize for being the way that I am, rather than being like everyone else. I just like when I’m in control of myself and I know what’s going on. Because unfortunately, anxiety can take that away from me in the blink of an eye.
I wasn’t always this way. In high school, when there were problems at home, or with friends, or even boys, I was able to block it all out. I had a ton of friends to distract me and I knew how to ignore it. I was numb, I didn’t allow myself to feel anything. In my first relationship, I noticed things I didn’t like about myself. I became too interested in loving him I forgot what it felt like to love myself, too. I was in a constant battle with my insecurities. When that relationship ended, I had to figure out who I was, and who I wanted to be. Every day I feel grateful for that experience because I learned how to love myself and feel comfortable in my own skin. I saw that I could pour my love into all different kinds of things that bring me happiness, rather than just one person.
The “in-between” period was a weird time. I was starting to get anxious. Was it me, did I do something wrong? These thoughts carried into all of my relationships. I started blaming myself for everything. Forgetting my self-worth. If someone started to act differently towards me, even the slightest bit, I automatically assumed I did something wrong. I still do this today, and it’s something my anxiety won’t let me stop doing.
I have this constant need to please everyone. I want to make everyone happy. I never want a person to cross my path and feel displeased. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, for sure. But those mistakes truly helped me figure out who it is that I want to be. I try to remember that not everyone will like me. Not everyone will have positive feelings towards me. I can’t please everybody, but I will do whatever I can to be the best possible version of myself.
As I hit a very crucial time of my life, my anxiety does everything in its power to make its presence known. Struggling with finishing college and finding my career path is probably the biggest factor. Adults always say we have it easy but boy, were they lying. How are you supposed to decide on what you want to do every day for the rest of your life? I have enough trouble deciding what to eat for breakfast. And then, add in the endless exams and papers. The idea of a grade defining who you are and what your life is going to be like. How can a number determine that for you, when you can’t even figure it out yourself? Now factor in relationships and friendships. Making sure everything’s running smoothly. Noticing when it’s not, and trying to figure out why.
Now factor in your home life. Some are lucky that their parents have a happy and healthy marriage, and some of us are not so lucky. I’m turning 23 in two months and I’m just now dealing with my parents’ divorce, something a lot of kids experience when they’re too young to fully understand. Maybe it’s better that I’m older, but it definitely doesn’t make it easier.
Everything I go through, I try my absolute best to do it with a smile on my face. I’m often told that I’m always smiling and seem so happy, so I guess I’m doing an okay job. But that doesn’t mean that I’m okay. I think the hardest part about this all is that no one really asks me how I’m doing. I’m a pretty independent person, I like to help myself and get through things on my own. I don’t like relying on people or asking for help. I guess you can say I have a ton of pride. But once in awhile it would be nice if I could talk to friends or loved ones and felt that they actually care about what’s going on in my head, not just because they’re curious to find out details. But then again, who knows what my anxiety will do, and maybe I won’t even know how to open up about it.
I am never one to make it seem like I have it worse than everyone else. I am incredibly blessed and grateful to have the life that I’ve been given. I’m also thankful for all the hardships I’ve dealt with because it truly helped me excel in all areas of my life. I learned about who I want to be and what I want in life. I picked up new traits and characteristics that turned me into a better person. I learned better coping mechanisms. And most importantly, it opened my eyes to my own mental health. I’ve realized that I’m not as tough as I’ve always tried to be. I’m not a rock, and I’m definitely not numb. I feel everything. And you know what? I’m going to embrace that. I’ve learned that maybe my mental health is not as stable as I thought. Does that make me any less of a human being? Absolutely not. It finally opened my eyes to what’s most important in this life: true happiness. I find love and happiness in everything I care about. My friends; my relationship; my family; my hobbies. It helps me appreciate and value the simplicity life has to offer. Diving into a good book. Listening to a good song. Taking a bubble bath. Putting a face mask on. Exercising. Spending quality time with my family. Relaxing in bed. I never realized how much these little details could bring me to peace. My anxiety has allowed me to take a step back and find room to breathe. It helped me find ways to calm myself down rather than turning to substances to numb the pain. Maybe people will understand me better now, or maybe they stopped reading after the first sentence. All I can say is that I will no longer feel ashamed in myself. I finally feel confident in my own skin.