“You’re a what?”
“A virgin. I’m a virgin.”
I looked up to meet his eyes. They were the eyes of a boy I’d only met hours ago. He was nice enough and carried conversation well. He wasn’t bad on the eyes either, so I didn’t object when he innocently asked if I’d like to go back to his apartment. “I just need to unlock it for my roommates – they forgot their keys.”
We both knew what was happening.
Upon my minor announcement, his face went from confusion to disappointment then to indifference in a matter of seconds. These micro expressions were all I needed to see. He asked if I wanted to leave and I stuttered, “I mean, um, we can keep going, except have sex. I just don’t feel comfortable losing my virginity after a frat party with a stranger,” is what I wish I said. I didn’t have the strength to say it and, instead, proclaimed “Fuck it. Do you have condom?” His eyes brightened up and let me tell you, I’ve never seen a boy get out of a bed so quickly before that moment. He rummaged through his drawer until I finally heard something rip.
I swallowed and laid back down, staring at the ceiling and making a list of possible consequences for, in fact, losing my virginity to a random boy at the University of Maryland. My eyes drifted to him, still fumbling in the dark.
“You need help?” “Nah, I’m good.”
He jumped back on the bed, eagerly kissing me while my eyes were still on the ceiling. Sex, or no sex?
Nah, I’m good.
I sat up and feigned a headache, “Can you get me a glass of water?”
He got up and walked to the kitchen, tail between his legs. Or, never mind. I quickly got up and put my clothes back on, thanking everything good in this world that I remembered to shave this morning. He ended up walking me back to the party. We didn’t speak a word to each other the five blocks there.
After this, I often wondered what exactly goes through someone’s head when they hear the words “virgin.” Is there a stigma? Does it affect how people perceive others?
“It’s hard to survey college students about virginity cause a lot of the time they would lie about being a virgin (especially guys) because they think it’s embarrassing.”
This is the text I received from a friend after telling her about this article. I was texting her boyfriend, trying to get insight into him and his group of friends’ views on collegiate virginity. His answers concluded this statement as he claimed that if his friends were to know of a college-aged male virgin, they’d give him a hard time and make fun of him for it.
Surprised?
To find some numbers I turned to New York Magazine, “According to the Online College Social Life Survey, a study of more than 24,000 students at campuses across America, 20 percent of college students graduate without ever having sex — a minority, to be sure, but a much larger percentage than even the students themselves might expect.”
So, I guess we’re in the minority. Giving a mental high five to all my fellow virgins out there. If we really are only 20% of the population, maybe this does mean it affects the way we’re perceived. I asked my friend from Rutgers University in New Brunswick to give his opinion on how he and his friends perceive girls that are virgins:
“In reality, they don’t care too much. It depends entirely on the context of the relation, or rather, the preference of a guy caring whether or not a girl is inexperienced because if it’s a hookup you’ll want the hookup to be good, but if you’re dating them, or romantically interested, you won’t care because if it’s a nourishing relationship they will become more comfortable with each other in the bedroom.”
This made sense. If you’re about to have casual sex, you probably want it to be a good time rather than fumbling in a dark void of confusion and possible awkwardness. But if that happened to be with someone you’re romantically interested in, it’s a completely different story.
That boy from Maryland wasn’t turned off because I was a virgin, he was turned off because he expected a good hook up and I didn’t. Whoops. So, my curiosity has been satisfied, my questions answered. In the words of another friend I spoke to, “It takes time to find the right person and rushing it would be far worse than waiting a while.”
She’s right.
There’s no rush and absolutely no time limit. Own your sexuality, whether you’re active or not, and make sure you put your comfort and pleasure above all else. After all, you deserve it.