I’ll admit, I have dabbled in the Twilight arts. In fact, I possess all the movies, all books (including the four main books, the Bree Tanner expansion, and the complete character guide). So, you could say I am an expert at all things Twilight. When I was younger, I actively thought Twilight was better than Harry Potter. I used to be ashamed of that, but at least Mormon Stephanie Meyer keeps with her original story, unlike J.K. Rowling. Yeah, I just threw shade. I can throw shade at Twilight now because I was a certified Twihard at twelve years old with a thriving FanFiction.Net story about Alice Cullen. Nevertheless, here are seven moments from Twilight nobody was expecting.
- Bella Just Wanted to F*ck Edward
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Breaking Dawn was entirely cringe-worthy. The entire book, Bella wants to get boned by Edward, and Edward, like the vegan vampire he is, tells her he doesn’t want to accidentally kill her while having sex with her. Obviously, Bella decides she must marry this man in order for Edward to let her hit it. Of course, Bella ends up knocked up with a kid immediately on their honeymoon. This reveals our next laughable moment in cinematic history.
- BROOOO WTF
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After Bella literally dies and becomes a ~vampire~ to have the creepy vampy child, Jacob ‘imprints’ on her daughter. I don’t know why Stephanie Meyer couldn’t just have Jacob fall for that normal girl he met during his escapade out of Forks, but this happened — a full-grown man imprinted on a baby straight outta the womb. We can’t forget the scene where Bella recognizes this and screams, “YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCK NESS MONSTER?!”
- CGI Was A Different Type of Laughable
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Seriously, is that a child or a gremlin? I gotta know.
- Bella Was Determined to Not Be “That Girl”
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I used to eat this type of stuff up. Now whenever I watch Twilight over, I immediately laugh. The more you grow up, the more you realize you actually like Jessica and Rosalie. They were the type of women that Bella should’ve interacted with way more.
- Taylor Lautner Is A Fake
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He really had us believing he was straight up Native, but it turns out he is just a spicy white man from Grand Rapids.
- Rosalie Was Made to Be Villian, But Actually She’s A Bada*s
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Sorry, I am not Team Edward or Team Jacob. I’m Team Rosalie Needs Her Own Movie. Bella constantly complains that ~woe is me~ because Rosalie is a little too real with her, but Rosalie ended up being my favorite character now that I’m an adult. This woman literally got gang-raped by her husband and his friends, turning her into a vampire. She strategizes by slowly offing the friends off, then shows up to her husband’s home in her wedding dress to murder him. An iconic vampire queen. *chef kiss*
- THE FINAL BATTLE SCENE
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We were all crying in theaters, both book readers and strictly movie readers alike. In fact, I was perfectly stationed next to a movie critic in the theater who was jotting down notes. I was also sobbing profusely, and he kept looking over at me confused. I’m sorry, killing Carlisle was not part of the plan! Anyhow, Twilight’s battle scene walked so Avenger’s EndGame could run. #SorryNotSorry
I am honestly sure I have made a couple of Marvel fans angry, but I said what I said. This movie and book may have been trash, but it is a dumpster fire hill I am willing to die on. Nobody watches this movie and says it’s a cinematic masterpiece. However, I do think this movie was pretty amazing in how it was able to captivate so many women and girls. It’s so cringy that I love it even more. So… are you Team Edward or Team Jacob? I gotta know.