I want to talk about how society expects our entire life to happen to us by age 30. One of the novels I’ve written zooms in on this pressure and the negative things it can do to someone (aka my character Maya).
I’m just going to talk about it more generally because it’s something that’s been bugging me in my own life recently.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m 20. I’m young. I have no reason to be worrying about this. But I DO ANYWAY. How many people who struggle with depression want to get better but can’t? How many girls want to be okay with their bodies but still compare themselves to other people? It’s one of those things where society is so programmed into our minds that the comparison game is a battle we have to face every day. We can of course increase our self-esteem, but it’s never just a straight line of I’m-not-going-to-listen-to-society; it’s a constant war of having to fall victim to society and rise back up over and over again.
I’ve come a long way, especially in my battle of the appearance ideal. But that doesn’t mean I don’t compare myself to anyone anymore. I can admit when on campus I still look at other girls and wish I looked like them. But then I have to take a breath, reanalyze, and tell my thoughts to shut up.
There are a million examples of things that are on this societal timeline that we’re all supposed to do. We’re supposed to be married and have kids, we’re supposed to have a dream job, and make a decent amount of money. We’re supposed to be social and have lots of friends and drink and have sex and have a good time. We’re supposed to travel and work at the same time. It’s so bad that when we reach 30 and we haven’t accomplished these things (which is totally okay), people are shocked.
I have a professor who decided not to have kids; she adopted a teenager instead. People are their own people and they can do what they want. Men can marry other men. People can stay single forever if that’s what they want; they can date and decide not to get married. Life is a choice, and people should always be allowed to live their life like they want to without being judged. It’s hard because society has laid out a life we’re supposed to live and there’s not much wiggle room within it.
Personally, I’ve been struggling with the dating aspect. I have had many short term relationships that haven’t worked out, and here I am at twenty telling myself I’ll be single forever even though I clearly have plenty of years to meet the one. I’m incredibly impatient. I don’t blame society. I blame myself for listening to society. A guy has never loved me yet. So what? I’m young. I just think it shows how detrimental the “do this, this, and this by age 30” mindset is because I’m ten years younger than 30 and right now I feel like I have to get everything done. Imagine how people beyond age 20 feel. I’ve finally decided to stop forcing relationships because they’ve been making me very unhappy, and I’m going to wait.
It’s not just the dating world that has been crushing me. It’s the professional world too. I want to be published more than anything. I’ve been querying non-stop (like non-stop as in since I was in seventh grade). And it’s all because I’ve always had a dream to be an author super young. I’m impatient. I’ve become obsessed with wanting my books out there instead of wanting to find an agent that loves my books as much as I do. All I need is one yes, and in a way, an agent someday may be more important than my future husband. Writing is my first love and I need someone to champion it like I do. But like love, it’ll come at the RIGHT TIME. WHICH DOESN’T HAVE TO MEAN NOW. And I mean that. I know amazing authors that didn’t get published until age 50. It does not matter.
Right now, I’m trying to slow down and simply enjoy life without worrying about if I’m on track or not. I need to stop rushing things. Even on my way to classes I’m speed-walking like a maniac to leave myself more time to get work done when I could be taking time to appreciate the beautiful weather and live in the moment.
The thing is, you can never be immune from the temptation of following the timeline. I fall for the trap a lot. It takes perseverance to get through it and tell it no. I’m telling it no now, but that’s not enough.
Ten years from now when I’m 30 I’ll have to say no again.
And again.