In recent years, acceptance and understanding of the LGBTQ+ community has become more mainstream. As a result, the barriers and expectations that once confined queer people have slowly eroded away.
One way this process has been described is deconstructing heteronormativity.
Essentially, heteronormativity is the cultural belief that straightness and cisgenderedness are the defaults of human experience. Through television, movies, music, books, and social media, these orientations are depicted as “normal” and desirable. All deviations from this norm are seen as unusual, comedic, or even morally unacceptable.
This standard can be very damaging to queer people for a multitude of reasons. Most obviously, it can prevent us from realizing or expressing our queerness until much later in life. Without the words or representation to adequately consider our experience, we are not able to conceptualize ourselves as queer, and use the “default” experience to define ourselves. This causes people to struggle endlessly in doomed heterosexual relationships before they are able to realize other options are available.
Furthermore, this sort of thinking promotes homophobia. The idea that marriage is a sacred bond between man and woman, for example, is heteronormative thinking. It is used to defend legal discrimiation and even acts of violence against people seen as “abnormal.”
As LGBT+ acceptance becomes the norm, we’ve seen steps taken to deconstruct heteronormativity. Some of this work occurs in the offices of lawmakers and in the streets of protests. But much of it is rooted in pop culture. Alternative representations in mainstream media allows queer people to see themselves as normal, deserving of love and happiness, and capable of navigating complicated topics like sex, love, and gender.
This is obviously important, but there is one thing I have noticed that often goes overlooked in the conversations surrounding heteronormativity, and that is mononormativity.
Mononormativity is the cultural assumption that romantic and sexual relationships occur exclusively between two people. This kind of thinking considers monogamy not only the norm but the ideal. It teaches us from childhood that our highest aspiration should be a romantic relationship with that special ONE, a single person who must fulfill all our interpersonal needs. Anyone who falls outside of this category is therefore treated as abnormal and subject to righteous discrimination.
I believe this kind of thinking is just as damaging as heteronormativity for all the same reasons. It shames polyamorous people into thinking there is something wrong with completely natural and healthy emotions. It strips us of the vocabulary and representation to accurately explore our identities. Finally, it creates very real legal consequences for families who fall outside of the traditional monogamy setup.
Polyamory (sometimes called consensual non-monogamy, as differentiated from cheating) is an umbrella term for a wide variety of non-exclusive relationships.
Some people have casual relationships outside of their main romantic partnership. Some people have multiple partners of equal importance. Some people prioritize domestic or platonic relationships over their romantic ones. The truth is there are many, MANY ways people experience and express love, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, there is no incorrect way to be in love.
Just like deconstructing heteronormativity, much of the work that needs to be done is in pop culture and mainstream media. Once upon a time, movies, shows, books, and songs about queer love were extremely rare and even actively protested against. But times and cultures have changed, and now we don’t even blink an eye when we see gay couples in advertisements. Our language has changed as well, with words like “partner” being more popular and inclusive than something like “girlfriend” or “wife.”
Hopefully, in our lifetimes, we will be able to see the same process with mononormativity. Positive representations of poly relationships are important to show people other ways they could potentially find happiness. Do your part by challenging your own heteronormative or monormative assumptions, and educate yourself on relationships that are a different setup than your own!
If you would like to read more on this subject, I would highly recommend “What Love Is: And What It Could Be” by Carrie Jenkins!