I still feel like I’m 17 years old.
I’ve lived a thousand experiences, I’ve gone to the bars, I’ve failed exams, I’ve gone through extra years of education, and a degree is in my grasp.
Yet I still feel like I’m not an adult yet. Like I’m not ready to let go of being a kid, being someone with excuses and reasons as to why she acts so immature. Life plans and student loans, who? I still feel like it was just yesterday I was running through the stained carpeted hallways of my high school.
Now I must stand in another cap and gown, this time on a bigger stage, with thousands of people cheering and congratulating me on four years well done. My time on campus is dwindling, my friends won’t be around the corner, and I can’t go out on a Tuesday night because the chances are I’ll have a big girl job the next morning.
No more football seasons, watching the leaves fall on my way to class. No more lunch rush traffic, and wondering if the bus is going to be on time. I won’t watch the freshman move in with bright looks on their faces, and I won’t be clocking in to my on-campus jobs.
I’ll be graduating. And it’s scary!
Change is always so frightening, I know there’s so much beyond this, and I know that I’ll find joy wherever I may end up. I love what I have so much right now though. I’ve built up a life, and I know East Lansing like the back of my hand. (Whether that be because I was stumbling through the streets late at night, or going on drives with my friends doesn’t matter.)
I’ve had heartbreak here, I’ve cried more times than I can count, but every moment now I feel like it’s fleeting. Like my time as a student is out the window and my life as an alumni is dragging me away from the present. It’s hard to think of the future when you’re trying to hold on to the present so hard.
Being a sentimental person is hard. I probably skipped the last class I’ll ever skip today and I didn’t even savor it!
Who even thinks like that?
Me!
And I think it’s okay to be scared. I think it’s entirely natural to look at that edge of university and the real world and be frightened of jumping. The tips of my shoes are off the cliffside and my body weight is teetering over what I’ve wasted and what’s next to come.
I was terrified and homesick beyond comprehension to even go to college in the first place. And now here I am, and I feel as though that’s my baseline in deciding to be okay with graduation. I got through that and I had the best years of my life and met so many amazing people.
I am privileged to even be writing this. I’ve accomplished so much and I can’t bow my head now when the finish line is right there ahead of me. I might not feel ready to go, and I might leave claw marks, but there is nothing I can do.
I’m having all my lasts. I’m looking toward the future and recognizing that every bit of growth I’ve done in my time at MSU isn’t something to lament on and cry over. It’s something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I’ll be coming back here as an alumni and bragging to my kids about the time I stayed in the library until 3 a.m. working on a final because that’s just what college students do.
And I’ll miss it like hell.
But I’ll grow even more. And I will be okay.