In a classic case of me telling myself that it’s not that serious, I have turned around and decided that this is serious. It is time to take out my second-hand, beat up little copy of “Women’s Voices, Feminist Visions” and apply it to the silly little app that takes up all my time. There have been many opinions voiced about the rise of the “stay-at-home girlfriend,” a TikTok hashtag and a way of life that a seemingly growing population of women are living. It’s been around for a while now, and what it is is pretty self-explanatory. Derived from the stay-at-home wife or mother, these couples are not married and usually do not have children. The stay-at-home girlfriend starts her day and her vlog with “That Girl”-esque habits like yoga and journaling, then spends the rest of the day cleaning (her boyfriend’s house), cooking (for her boyfriend) and fulfilling her main objective (to be there for her boyfriend).
We’re beyond the second-wave feminist complaint that women who stay at home are less feminist. However, one of the first and most important topics brought up in this textbook is the issue of intersectionality. One of the main criticisms of feminism brought up is also that it is a movement focusing too much on white, middle-class women. And who is the stay-at-home girlfriend? While it is very important to note that staying home is a completely valid life choice, it is also important to note how intersectionality plays into this trend. It is obviously heteronormative. It also shows that white women have the privilege to opt out of employment and stay at home because of both their middle class status as well as their race. An Insider article explains the lack of women of color in the trend. In addition to the institutionalized class differences that have caused women of color to have to participate more in the workforce throughout history, there is the issue that these white women can stay at home without the negative stereotypes of being “lazy” or a “gold digger” placed on them. Instead, the article explains, these white girlfriends are trophies, choosing a life that fits into the feminine ideal.
In most instances, it seems like the stay-at-home girlfriend lives in her boyfriend’s house and depends on his money. However, what happens if they break up? In the case of marriage and divorce, while it is still difficult and the no-fault divorce has only been a thing since the ‘70s, there is legal help for the woman. Stay-at-home girlfriends don’t get alimony. And, if they haven’t worked since the beginning of the relationship, they will have little to no safety net. It is great that these women have found a way to have this aesthetic and fulfilling life without the dreariness of a job, but with that dependence on their man comes the danger of being left in the cold. An entire chapter of this textbook is dedicated to an analysis of women’s work inside and outside of the home. All of this labor that the girlfriend puts towards cooking and keeping house is at the end of the day, unpaid. These women in turn are now completely dependent on a man who could walk away on a dime, with nothing tying him to her. It’s dangerous.
Tying your entire identity to a man can be alienating, writes Distractify about the trend. These women dedicate their entire lives to their boyfriend, catering to all his needs. While luxurious amounts of self-care are included in the leisurely day of these women, they have subsequently become stuck in the orbit of their man’s life. These women are perpetuating – no, glorifying – the ideal of the stay-at-home caretaker. These videos emphasize the importance of their service to their boyfriend. These gender roles are not just what happens or just what people naturally do; gender is learned and passed down through societies.
The issue is not that the woman wants to stay at home. And this isn’t arguing that the only way for a woman to be fulfilled is to have a job. These women are clearly very happy (at least in the videos) and days full of light chores, lattes and journaling sound so refreshing in this capitalistic garbage fire we’re living in. However, the aspiration of the stay-at-home girlfriend is called into question by their obvious privilege, a rigid view of feminine ideals and a dangerous lack of independence.