In the year that I have been at Michigan State, I’ve figured out that getting around campus can be harder than passing the Wells hall preacher without being told you’re going to hell. First of all, when I arrived as a frightened, naive freshman, campus seemed to be never-ending. MSU is 8.1125 square miles—how the heck was I supposed to get from class to class in time without a helicopter? But, since a helicopter was not an option because there are no landing pads on top of any of our buildings, I experimented with the four main ways to get around campus: walking, biking, driving, and riding the bus. I’ve never attempted long boarding—I undoubtedly have the world’s worst balance—but if anyone who long boards from class to class would like to add their input, please feel free to comment and share your insight. Each style has some perks, but mostly they’re all super annoying in their own way. So here, from my experience, are the worst parts of the four pillars of campus travel.
Walking is undoubtedly the easiest way to get around, but it also takes incredibly freaking long. On a cold January day, the last thing I want to do is trek from Wilson to Sny-Phi, then to Akers, and then back to Wilson. The number of times that I’ve come back exhausted from walking is ridiculous; and no, I don’t weigh 350 pounds. Walking could be nice if I enjoyed staring wistfully at the charming scenery, but let’s be honest: I walk the same route every day, how charming is the scenery going to get? Walking can also get pretty aggravating when I have six different bikers and long boarders coming towards me and swerving around me. From now on, I’m not moving for them. Either they can go in the grass, or they can hit me. Well, that’s a lie. I would probably move at the last second. I’m not that brave.
Then there’s the problem of the other people that walk to class, and really suck at it. There are a lot of people on campus that have no concept of social cues, and continue to screw up walking for the rest of us. I still have yet to understand why when I’m passing a very slow person they feel the need to speed up the moment I get an inch in front of them. Also, is it really necessary for people to walk across the entire sidewalk? No, I do not want to play red rover with you, now kindly stay to your side. Along with that, I never realized how hard it is to walk on the right side of the sidewalk. It’s been drilled into my head since elementary school that you walk on the same side of the sidewalk that you would drive on, but apparently this was not told to half of MSU’s student body. The only exception to my frustration would be a British exchange student—not only because they drive on the left side, but also because with those accents, they could talk their way out of anything.
Now, I have only driven on campus a handful of times, and it is definitely not my favorite. During the day there’s always so much traffic, not to mention the pedestrians that walk across the crosswalk like they own it. Seriously—I’m in a car, and you are a person. If I choose not to stop for you as you walk so pompously across the street, there’s really nothing you could do about it. Also, is the bike lane in the street really necessary? They are not cars, and cannot drive as fast as cars, and therefore do not need to be in the street. Even with those nifty hand signals, I still get nervous driving next to them. I’m scared that the next time I’m driving and texting and eating a burger and doing my makeup and singing to the radio, I’m going to swerve and run them off the road. Oops. Maybe I should stop doing that?
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Then there is the CATA bus system. During the winter, I caved and got myself a bus pass, despite the fact that my legs and bike still functioned. This would save me from being cold, I thought, and save me a ton of time! It didn’t. Depending on where I wanted to go on campus, riding the CATA always took just as long as walking, sometimes even longer. Like an idiot, I never accounted for the glorious ten minute wait that occurs at the CATA station, followed by the stop for the one kid who always pitifully runs next to the bus as it’s driving away. In addition to being slow, seating on the bus is theworst. It may be because I’m socially awkward, but I always seem to get thrown in the most terrible places; the most common are the standing spot right by the door that requires everyone to shove past me on the way out or right next to the dangerously overweight kid. Through many uncomfortable and crowded moments on the bus, CATA has become my least favorite way to get around.
The fastest way to get around campus is probably biking. Some people may dispute this, but this is how I see it: when I bike, I get the benefits of cutting through campus like when I walk, but I can weave in and out of people like Speed Racer. The worst part of being a biker—and also the funniest to me—is that I know that everyone hates me when I bike. By some unwritten rule, pedestrians and cars must hate bikers. But it’s mutual—when I’m a biker, I really hate cars and pedestrians. Pedestrians either block the entire sidewalk, forcing me to ride in the grass, or move at the last second so I have to do a last minute swerve to avoid a bike accident. And let me just say, nothing is more embarrassing than a bike accident. I saw one today. It was hilarious.
The one accident that a lot of bikers wouldn’t be upset about, though, is being hit by the CATA bus because, rumor has it, you get free tuition. To anyone who believes this: it’s not true. CATA has no affiliation with the university, so if you’re stupid enough to drive in front of a moving bus, I hope you get enough settlement money to pay your insanely large medical bills. I, for one, have never been in any sort of bike accident (knock on wood), but I will continue to laugh at those who do.
Now, I am aware that there are more paragraph to paragraph contradictions in this article than there are squirrels on campus, but this is what goes through my head when I’m trying to go from class to class. As a bus rider, I hate cars. As a driver, I hate buses and pedestrians. As a pedestrian, I hate bikers. And as a biker, I hate everyone. But I’m pretty sure this happens to everyone else too. Campus is so huge with so many people that we’re all bound to get annoyed with the people around us, so we just have to focus on our own journey from building to building. That’s why I’ve come up with this final theory: if I can get around campus without getting tripped, getting hit, or getting in an accident, then maybe I can make it to class on time.