At a very young age, I thought to myself what if I’m gay? What if I’m not gay? Why do I have to choose? Those thoughts would foreshadow my sexual identity. I am pansexual. The International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality defines Pansexual as: “Pansexual refers to a person who is sexually, emotionally, romantically, or spiritually attracted to others, regardless of biological sex gender expression (of masculine or feminine characteristics), or sexual orientation,” (Rice, Kim). Although I resonate with this definition; here is my story.
The concept of sexuality had always been an open discussion in my household growing up. My parents had gay friends, gay siblings, and even gay parents. The uncertain thoughts in my head regarding my sexuality had been set at ease for most of my life, knowing that I would be loved no matter my sexuality.
I was about 12 years old when my older sister had her first boyfriend. I remember sitting in the back seat of my stepdad’s Dodge Charger when we picked her up from school one day. Her face was beet red, and she only kept eye contact with the ground. “You kissed him!” I was too excited to hear about her new-found romance. She glared at me before my parents whipped their heads around to hear more. She stumbled over her words as she recalled the kiss that happened moments before. As she told us more about this boy, she used the word bisexual. That was the first time I had ever heard that word. Later that night, I overheard my parents talking about the word. Bisexual. “That’s not real,” they said. They talked about the word being used to cover up the fact that her new boyfriend was just gay– or that bisexual people were just horny? I wasn’t sure what that meant.
A year later I had a crush on a girl. At first, I thought of her just as a friend. We had started to hang out more at the start of the school year and I found her so charming. I would blush telling my friends about her. Even then, that wasn’t enough to prove to myself that I liked girls. Simply because I also had feelings for boys. How could this be possible? My parents said that being bisexual wasn’t a real thing. I kept ignoring my feelings… even though it seemed like I have had an equal amount of crushes on girls and guys. I chopped it up to have close friendships. I think I had a crush on every single one of my friends at some point in high school– which felt normal at the time.
Halfway through high school, I had my first kiss, which then became my first relationship. He was my best friend first and foremost. For the year and a half that we were together I had convinced myself that I was straight. At the end of that relationship, he told me “I hope whoever you date next, boy… or girl, will treat you right.” That was very unexpected; considering I thought I had it all figured out. It turns out that my partner knew me just a little bit better than I knew myself. That simple thing he said to me finally gave me “permission” to explore who I was and who I loved. (I would have discovered it on my own but he definitely jump-started the process).
Fast forward a few months later… I had a date with a girl. The night before the date I decided to tell my mom. I felt weird and wrong even though she didn’t express any judgment toward me. She was respectful and thanked me for telling her. It was the conversation that I had overheard years ago that stuck in the back of my mind. I know my mom felt differently now about the subject, but the thought of disappointing my parents loomed over me as I lay in bed with the girl. Over the next couple of years, I had loved many people. Somehow, I always excluded my stories of dating women when talking to my family about my love life. The exhausted question of what are you? followed me everywhere.
Now, I am 21 years old, and I know that who I love isn’t a choice…because if it was, I would leave men out of the picture completely. I landed on the label pansexual a few years ago after reflecting on my past. I found myself being attracted to personality above all else. A person’s gender identity did not influence the attraction I had towards them. Ever since I was a kid, I just wanted to be free to love whomever I please, regardless of their gender identity. I still have trouble sharing this part of my life with some family members in fear that they will ask if I’m a lesbian now that I am with a woman, or if I am really pansexual if I am in a relationship with a man. At the end of the day, I try not to care what people think about my sexuality, I choose to keep loving freely and abundantly. Thank you to all of the people I have loved in this lifetime.