2020 : The Mentally Dreadful Year?

It is no surprise that the year 2020 has been exhausting, to say the least. Starting off with natural calamities, systematic racism and to top it all off, a global pandemic. 

For me, being at college was the perfect escape from my toxic family dynamic. Not only was I forced to stay at home due to the nationwide lockdown, I also contracted the virus about 4 months ago. It seemed unreal, it seemed like such a foreign concept, something that could never happen to me. 

I’ve always been the kind of person who couldn’t stay alone, I always needed to be around people. Be it my sister, my friends or just my pets. So being locked up in a room for 14 days was very nerve wracking. Around the second day came the feelings of alienation, self doubt and existential dread. “should I have been more careful?” “will I get better?” “does it matter if I get better” 

Day in day out, I was on strict monitoring by a doctor. Record my vitals first thing in the morning, taking my meds thrice a day. Soon I stopped recognizing myself in the mirror, I had detached myself from reality in an attempt to make sense of my situation. My sunken eyes, hollowed cheeks and pale skin tone, I looked almost lifeless. Insomnia, loss of appetite and seasonal depression hit around the fourth day of being diagnosed. 

Although I wasn’t as physically impacted by COVID-19 in the same severity as some other people were, it took a huge mental toll on me. Even after I was cured and tested negative, the feelings of guilt and anxiety didn’t go away. I was overusing the sanitizer, so much that my hands had started to dry out. I was terrified of taking of my mask in front of others, even if it was just the two of us. 

After almost 5 months of being recovered, I’m still shaken up by the emotions I had when I was sick.

Please wear your masks, stay home, stay safe and if you or someone you know is suffering from the virus, I wish you a speedy recovery!