Love is often beautiful, nurturing force that can heal, elevate, and connect people. Yet, in some relationships, love becomes a weapon, wielded not for growth or connection, but for control. In such dynamics, a toxic cycle often unfolds- one where manipulation, emotional abuse, and control are disguised as care and concern. As the author, this article was personally triggering to write but I genuinely recommend that if you are currently coming out of a toxic situation, confused whether you’re stuck in one or already on a healing journey, you read this since terms like gaslighting, love bombing, and narcissism come to the fore in these situations. The primary motivation behind writing this is describing the behaviours of individuals who warp the meaning of love to serve their own needs and explore how cyclical toxicity masquerades as care, the insidious tactics used by gaslighters, love bombers, and narcissists, and the impact of these behaviours on their victims.
The Cyclical Nature of Toxic Relationships
Quite often when someone shares their dilemmas with me, I tell them about “temporary highs and constant lows” and to run when this becomes a repetitive nature- to this often they bring up that the highs are really good and well the lows… Toxic relationships tend to be cyclical, where periods of intense affection and attention are followed by manipulation, criticism and control. For the toxic partner, it works by keeping their victim confused and attached, while also maintaining their dominance.
The “highs” (the moments of love and care) makes the “lows” (the moments of abuse and manipulation) more tolerable due to the intensity and frequency while the victims mostly cling to the belief that if they just behave a certain way, the love and affection will return.
This cyclical pattern is what makes these relationships so difficult to leave. They do show one love at the end of the day. So, it’s okay that sometimes they behave a certain way, right? NO. This exact emotional whiplash leaves victims questioning their perception of reality, their worth and the intentions of their partner towards them. And because these toxic behaviours are often framed as acts of care, victims might feel that their partner is only acting out of concern for their well-being rather than for control.
Gaslighting: Warping Reality Under the Guise of Concern
Gaslighting is one of the most powerful tools in a toxic partner’s arsenal. If you’ve wondered where the term comes from, the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity. In relationships today, gaslighting refers to a pattern of behaviour in which one partner makes the other question their memory, perception or reality.
A gaslighter will often frame their behaviour as protective or caring. They might say, “I’m only trying to help you see things more clearly,” “You always question my love for you, I only do this because I LOVE YOU” or “You’re too emotional to think straight right now.” What makes gaslighting so effective is its subtlety. God, the mind games with this one is intense- they won’t outright deny reality but twist facts just enough to create doubt.
Have you expressed discomfort when your boundary has been crossed? Were you met with “You’re overreacting. I’m just doing this because I care about you.” Yes, that IS gaslighting! Over time, you may start to doubt your own feelings and perceptions on events, believing that your partner’s version of reality is the truth. This inevitably becomes a major cause of a deep erosion of self-confidence, making it even harder for the victim to recognise and escape the toxic relationship.
Gaslighters often position themselves as the rational or stable one in the relationship- they put themselves at this pedestal by convincing their partner that they’re too emotional, irrational or sensitive to make sound decisions. This “concern” creates a dependency and they start to rely on the gaslighter’s judgement rather than trusting their own.
Love Bombing: Overwhelming Affection with a Hidden Agenda
Love bombing is another infamous tactic used by manipulators to control their partners. It typically occurs in the early stages of a relationship, where the toxic partner showers their victim with excessive love, attention, compliments and more acts and declarations of love. While some people may be off-put by this overwhelming sense of affection like the early “I love you” and “I can’t live without you”, but it can also feel intoxicating, especially for those who have been craving emotional connection or validation. It is, however, very important to remember that love bombing is not about genuine affection but about creating a quick emotional attachment that allows the someone to gain control over their partner.
It’s sort of like an addiction. At first it feels good before it starts to show adverse effects and you just can’t rid yourself of it. Once the victim is hooked, the love bomber will start to shift behaviour. The intense affection will be replaced with criticism, demands, emotional withdrawal and what not. But adverse effects- because the victim has been conditioned to associate their partner with love and validation, they will go to great lengths to regain that initial affection. The love bomber may dangle the promise of that early love as a reward for good behaviour, creating a dynamic where the victim feels they must earn their partner’s affection.
What makes love bombing particularly insidious is the way it mimics healthy relationship behaviours. In the beginning, the love bomber may seem like the perfect partner- attentive, caring and romantic. This makes it difficult for the victim to recognise the manipulation at the end of the day. By the time the toxic behaviours start to surface, the victim is already too emotionally invested in the relationship and may feel trapped or unable to leave. After all, you’ve done so much, how can you leave now? (I understand :(, much love <3)
Narcissistic Behaviour: Selfishness Disguised as Love
Narcissists. Characterised by their need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a tendency to exploit others for their own benefit, narcissists often play the role (that no one asked for) of the “saviour” or “caretaker,” framing their manipulative behaviours as acts of love or protection. They may say things like, “I’m doing this because I want what’s best for you,” or “No one else will love you like I do.” These statements are designed to make the victim feel dependent on the narcissist and to diminish their self-worth.
Narcissists often employ a tactic known as “mirroring” in the early stages of a relationship. This involves reflecting the victim’s interests, values, and desires in order to create a deep emotional connection. The narcissist may seem like the best partner, the ONE, because they appear to share all the same values and interests. It is hard to know that this is merely a facade designed to create an emotional, exploitable bond.
Once the narcissist has gained control over their partner, their behaviour shifts, of course. They may become critical, demanding and emotionally distant. But is that so easy? NO, else we would think that they have lost interest or love and leave, right? They will frame this behaviour as being in the our best interest. For example, a narcissist might criticise their partner’s appearance or behaviour, claiming that they are only doing so to “help” them improve. Over time, the victim may come to believe that their partner’s harsh treatment is actually a sign of love, leading them to tolerate and even internalise the abuse.
Cyclical Toxicity & Victims
Victims of cyclical toxicity often experience profound psychological and emotional damage. The constant manipulation, gaslighting, and love bombing create a sense of confusion and self-doubt, making it difficult for the victim to trust their own judgement or feelings. They may start to believe that their partner’s behaviour is normal or that they are the ones responsible for the problems in the relationship.
One of the most devastating effects of cyclical toxicity is the erosion of self-worth. Victims are often made to feel that they are not good enough, that they are too emotional, too sensitive, or too needy. This can lead to a cycle of self-blame, where the victim believes that if they just try harder or behave better, their partner’s love and affection will return. However, because the toxic partner’s behaviour is not rooted in genuine care, the victim is never able to “earn” their love.
In some cases, victims may also experience symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety, depression, or PTSD. The emotional rollercoaster of the relationship can take a significant toll on their mental health, leading to feelings of hopelessness, isolation and despair.
The Rationalisation Trap: How Victims Justify Toxicity
Found yourself justifying them in front of your loved ones who know of your troubles? One of the most perplexing aspects of cyclical toxicity is the way victims often rationalise or justify their partner’s abusive behaviour. This is particularly true in cases where the abuse is framed as love or concern. Victims may tell themselves that their partner is only acting out of care or that the criticisms and control are intended to help them grow. This rationalisation stems from the manipulative messages that toxic partners send- “I only do this because I love you,” or “No one else will ever love you like I do.” Or the funniest of them all- when they try to make you reassure them with a, “If I’m like this, why don’t you find someone better.”
This will keep happening. Until the very end. Even after the end- “You are eternal. I don’t know how to do life without you. You are my best friend, my family, even though we are exes, you are my everything.”
The confusion is further exacerbated by the moments of affection and tenderness that the toxic partner periodically provides. The highs and the lows, oh god, we’ve been here 5 sections ago. Do you see how these are so interconnected? These brief glimpses of love are what keep the us anchored in the relationship, hoping that if they can change, improve or behave better, that they will be able to recapture the initial intensity of the relationship. What is wrong with me? NOTHING. WAKE UP. The truth is, the affection is simply a part of the manipulation- a tactic to maintain control and ensure the victim stays committed.
Dear readers, we are often taught that relationships require work, compromise and sacrifice. I agree. But they don’t require the relationship sucking life out of you! Toxic partners exploit your ideals, encouraging you to believe that suffering is part of a normal relationship, or worse, that it’s a necessary sacrifice for the sake of love.
Cognitive Dissonance and Emotional Conflict
A key reason why victims stay trapped in toxic cycles is cognitive dissonance– the mental conflict that arises when a person’s beliefs or behaviours are inconsistent. This is a new term that I came across while I was fact checking for the article. Basically, in toxic relationships, victims experience cognitive dissonance because they hold two opposing beliefs: on one hand, they know that their partner’s behaviour is hurtful and wrong, but on the other hand, they have been conditioned to believe that this behaviour stems from love. This conflict creates intense psychological discomfort.
To alleviate this discomfort, victims often rationalise the toxic behaviour, convincing themselves that their partner’s actions are ultimately for their own good. They may downplay the abuse, tell themselves they are overreacting or cling to the positive moments as proof that their partner truly cares. This mental gymnastics of sorts allows them to remain in the relationship, even though it is harmful.
The emotional conflict in these situations is equally intense. Victims may feel both love and fear towards their partner. Love comes from the moments of affection, attention and validation, while fear stems from criticism, manipulation and control. This creates a push-pull dynamic where the victim is constantly torn between staying for the love they hope to receive and leaving because of the pain they are enduring. The emotional conflict often becomes so overwhelming that victims become paralyzed, unable to make a clear decision about whether to stay or leave.
The Role of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is another powerful force that keeps victims tied to their abusers. This occurs when a victim forms a deep attachment to their abuser due to intermittent reinforcement of affection and abuse. The highs and lows of the relationship (YES, I WILL STOP WITH THE “highs” and “lows” SOMETIME IN THIS ARTICLE BUT IT IS IMPORTANT)- where moments of love and care are followed by criticism or emotional cruelty- create a powerful emotional bond.
The unpredictability of these cycles intensifies the bond, as victims become preoccupied with regaining their partner’s love and approval. Trauma bonding is especially dangerous because it mimics the feelings of deep attachment and love, making it incredibly difficult for the victim to see the relationship for what it truly is—abusive.
Narcissists and other toxic individuals are skilled at creating these bonds, often exploiting their partner’s vulnerabilities to keep them emotionally tethered. Over time, victims may develop a dependency on their abuser, believing that they cannot live without them or that no one else will ever love them in the same way. This is, of course, a lie perpetuated by the abuser to maintain control, but it can feel very real to the victim, especially after prolonged exposure to manipulation and emotional abuse.
Rebuilding Self-Worth and Trusting One’s Instincts
Breaking free from a toxic relationship requires more than just physical separation- it requires emotional healing and the rebuilding of self-worth. Victims often leave these relationships feeling shattered, doubting their judgement and questioning their worth. Rebuilding self-esteem is a critical part of the recovery process and it often begins with recognising that the abuse was never about them- it was about the abuser’s need for control.
One of the first steps toward healing is learning to trust one’s instincts again. Victims of gaslighting, love bombing, and narcissistic abuse often lose touch with their own perceptions and feelings, relying instead on their abuser’s distorted version of reality. Reconnecting with one’s own emotions and intuition is crucial for regaining a sense of agency and autonomy.
Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in this process, as it provides a safe space for victims to explore their experiences, process their emotions, and rebuild their sense of self. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), in particular, can help individuals challenge the distorted beliefs they may have developed about themselves during the relationship, such as the idea that they are unlovable or incapable of making good decisions.
Self-compassion is another key element of recovery. Victims of toxic relationships are often very hard on themselves, blaming themselves for staying in the relationship or for not recognizing the abuse sooner. However, it’s important to remember that toxic individuals are highly skilled manipulators, and their tactics are designed to confuse and control. Healing requires letting go of self-blame and recognizing that the abuse was never the victim’s fault.
The Importance of Boundaries and Red Flags
A crucial part of preventing future toxic relationships is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Toxic partners often violate boundaries early in the relationship, whether by moving too quickly, invading personal space or dismissing the victim’s needs and feelings. Recognising these red flags can help individuals protect themselves from getting entangled in another abusive dynamic.
Some common red flags to watch for include:
- Love Bombing: Excessive flattery and attention early in the relationship, especially if it feels overwhelming or too good to be true.
- Control Disguised as Concern: A partner who tries to control aspects of your life (such as who you see, what you wear, or how you spend your time) under the guise of “protecting” you or “caring” for you.
- Gaslighting: A partner who consistently makes you doubt your feelings, memories, or perceptions, often framing their version of events as the “truth.”
- Emotional Rollercoasters: A relationship characterised by extreme highs and lows, where moments of love and affection are followed by criticism, withdrawal, or emotional manipulation.
Setting boundaries means communicating clearly about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and being willing to enforce those boundaries, even if it means walking away from the relationship. While this can be difficult, especially for those who have been conditioned to believe that they should tolerate mistreatment in the name of love, it is an essential part of maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.
The Role of Social Conditioning and Romantic Myths
Another crucial element that often perpetuates toxic relationships is the influence of social conditioning and romantic myths. Society, through media, literature, and cultural norms, often glorifies the concept of “enduring love” or “love conquers all,” leading many to believe that true love requires perseverance through hardship, no matter the cost. While I have spoken about this earlier in the article, it is important to know that “we are not a rom-com, become a little mature.” Personal dig aside, stories of troubled relationships that ultimately end in redemption- where one partner is “fixed” or “changed” by love can create unrealistic expectations about what relationships should look like.
Many victims of toxic relationships hold onto the belief that they can “save” or “heal” their partner, or that their love will be enough to transform the abuser into a better person. This belief can be especially strong if the abuser has shown vulnerability or shared a traumatic backstory, making the victim feel like their partner’s behaviour is a result of past pain rather than current choice. Toxic partners exploit these narratives, presenting themselves as wounded individuals who just need love and patience to heal. You are a safe haven, NOT REFORM THERAPY. This leaves the victim feeling responsible for the abuser’s emotional well-being, further entrenching them in the cycle of abuse.
This romanticisation of suffering also feeds into the dangerous notion that toxic love is somehow more passionate or intense. When love is equated with drama, unpredictability, or emotional extremes, it can be difficult to recognize healthy, stable relationships as desirable. Victims may even feel bored or disconnected in a relationship that lacks the roller coaster dynamics they have come to associate with love.
The Impact on Mental Health
The long-term effects of being in a relationship with a gaslighter, love bomber or narcissist can be profound, with many victims experiencing significant mental health issues as a result of the abuse. These can include anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and complex trauma (C-PTSD). Victims may also experience a form of emotional numbness or dissociation, where they detach from their feelings as a coping mechanism to deal with the ongoing emotional turmoil.
Gaslighting, in particular, can have a devastating effect on mental health. When a victim is constantly made to question their reality, they may begin to lose their sense of identity and self-worth. This can lead to a deep sense of hopelessness and helplessness- the victim comes to believe that they are incapable of understanding or controlling their own life. This can also manifest in extreme emotional dependence on the abuser, as the victim starts to believe that they need their partner to “ground” them in reality- even though it is the abuser who has been distorting their perception all along.
The constant cycles of love bombing and devaluation create a state of chronic stress, where the victim is always waiting for the next emotional ambush. A ticking time bomb. This can lead to a heightened fight-or-flight response, which over time can result in burnout and exhaustion. Victims may struggle to function in other areas of their life, such as work, social relationships, or self-care, as their mental and emotional energy is consumed by the toxic relationship.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience a profound loss of self-confidence. Narcissists are masters of projection, frequently blaming their victims for the very behaviours they themselves exhibit. Over time, victims may come to believe that they are the selfish, unloving or manipulative ones in the relationship. This gaslighting not only distorts their sense of reality but also erodes their belief in their own goodness and value.
Isolation: The Subtle Weapon of Control
I mentioned a few times about someone noticing or you talking to someone but another, major common tactic used is isolation. This is mostly a gradual process, where the toxic partner will slowly cut the victim off from their support systems- friends, family and even professional help- under the pretence of “protecting” them or prioritising their relationship. The toxic partner may frame other people in the victim’s life as bad influences or claim that these people do not truly care about the victim. This isolation serves two purposes: it makes the victim more dependent on the abuser and less likely to seek outside perspectives that might challenge the abuser’s narrative.
Isolation can be one of the most disorienting and painful aspects of a toxic relationship. It leaves them without the external validation or support they need to recognize the abuse for what it is. Over time, this can create a sense of entrapment, where the victim feels that they have nowhere else to turn. The abuser becomes their only point of reference, making it even harder to break free from the cycle.
In extreme cases, isolation may even extend to physical control, where the toxic partner monitors or restricts the victim’s movements, communication or access to resources. While physical isolation is more obvious, emotional and psychological isolation are often more insidious. Victims may still maintain contact with the outside world, but the abuser has instilled so much fear or self-doubt that the victim feels unable to reach out for help.
Why Victims Stay: The Fear of Losing Love
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of toxic relationships is that, despite the abuse, many victims are deeply afraid of losing their partner. I mean… Took me 2.5 years of throwing my life away and tons of pain and reality checks like slaps to be able to open my eyes and not go back. This fear can be rooted in many things like low self-esteem, trauma bonding, or the belief that they will never find anyone else who loves them. The abuser often reinforces this fear by telling the victim that they are unlovable, that no one else would put up with them or that they are lucky to have someone who “cares” so much.
Love is not intermittent fasting that after a period of criticism or withdrawal, the abuser will suddenly shower the victim with love, making them believe that the relationship can return to the idealised phase of the love-bombing stage. That’s fear. Victims may stay in the relationship, clinging to the hope that this version of their partner will become the norm.
For some victims, the idea of being alone is more terrifying than staying in an abusive relationship. This fear of abandonment can be particularly strong if the victim has experienced rejection or neglect in the past. The abuser exploits this vulnerability, using the threat of abandonment as a tool to maintain control. Victims may feel that leaving the relationship would confirm their worst fears- that they are indeed unworthy of love.
Breaking the Cycle: Recognising the Patterns
Escaping a toxic relationship requires a conscious effort to recognise the patterns of abuse and manipulation. This can be incredibly difficult, especially when the toxic partner has spent months or years gaslighting and distorting the victim’s sense of reality. But once the victim starts to see the relationship for what it truly is, they can begin to take steps toward healing and recovery.
The first step is often acknowledging that love should not hurt, control or degrade. Real love is based on mutual respect, trust and equality- qualities that are conspicuously absent in a toxic relationship. It is important for victims to remember that they are not responsible for their partner’s behaviour, no matter how much the abuser tries to shift the blame. Abuse is a choice, and it is never justified, no matter the circumstances.
Education is also a powerful tool in breaking the cycle. Learning about the tactics used by gaslighters, love bombers, and narcissists can help victims recognize the red flags and understand that they are not alone in their experiences. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse report feeling a sense of relief when they finally learn the vocabulary to describe what they have been through. Understanding the mechanics of abuse can help victims reclaim their narrative and begin to see the toxic partner’s behaviour as a reflection of the abuser’s own issues, not their own inadequacies.
Breaking Free from the toxic Cycle
Escaping a toxic relationship is incredibly difficult, especially when the abuse is disguised as love or care. Victims often feel trapped by their emotional attachment to their partner, as well as by the belief that their partner’s behaviour is motivated by concern. Recognising the patterns of gaslighting, love bombing, and narcissism is the first step toward breaking free.
Education and awareness are crucial for victims to understand that the toxic behaviours they are experiencing are not acts of love but forms of manipulation and control. Therapy or counselling can also provide victims with the tools they need to rebuild their self-esteem, trust their own perceptions and set healthy boundaries.
Love Should Never Hurt
In the end, the most important lesson for victims of gaslighting, love bombing, and narcissistic abuse is that they are worthy of real, unconditional love. Toxic partners often succeed in convincing their victims that they are unlovable, that they need to earn love through suffering or self-sacrifice. But true love does not demand submission or the loss of self. Real love supports growth, fosters mutual respect and celebrates individuality.
Healing from the effects of cyclical toxicity requires time, patience, and often professional support. It involves unlearning the distorted beliefs instilled by the abuser and rediscovering one’s own strength and value. It also requires a commitment to self-compassion; to forgive oneself for staying in the relationship and to recognise that leaving is not a sign of weakness, but of incredible courage.
The comfort in hitting rock-bottom is that the only way is up. Rebuilding a life after leaving a toxic relationship can feel daunting, but it is also an opportunity for profound growth. Victims who break free from these cycles often emerge stronger, with a clearer sense of their boundaries, values, and self-worth. And while the scars of abuse may linger, they are a testament to the survivor’s resilience and determination to reclaim their power and their life.
No one deserves to be controlled, manipulated, or made to feel small in the name of love. By understanding the patterns of cyclical toxicity and learning to recognize the red flags, victims can take the first step toward freeing themselves from the chains of manipulation and moving toward a healthier, more fulfilling future.
At its core, love is about respect, trust, and mutual care. It should never be used as a tool for control or manipulation. Gaslighters, love bombers, and narcissists prey on their partners’ vulnerabilities, twisting the concept of love into something unrecognisable and harmful. By understanding the tactics used by these toxic individuals, we can better protect ourselves and others from falling into the trap of cyclical toxicity.
For those who have experienced or are experiencing a toxic relationship, it is important to remember that love should never hurt. True love does not involve gaslighting, manipulation, or control. It is possible to break free from the cycle, to reclaim one’s self-worth, and to find a relationship built on mutual respect and care.
I wish you all the love, care and happiness in the world. <3
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